


Healing

by Angara



Series: Kaleidoscope [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Dubious Consent, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Aftermath, Recovery, Slow Burn, Veeeery slow burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:08:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 24,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23562817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angara/pseuds/Angara
Summary: After having been freed from a human-trafficking and illegal pornography ring, Loki has to deal with the aftermath of the trauma he had endured. But the depth of his trauma reaches far back and he will have to face his fears to start healing.But how can healing be possible if the enemy might lurk within?
Relationships: Clint Barton/Loki, Loki/Tony Stark
Series: Kaleidoscope [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1689034
Comments: 38
Kudos: 66





	1. Free falling

**Author's Note:**

> This work is a direct sequel to "Wounds" and will make the most sense after having read it first.
> 
> For everyone who just started reading and prefers not to read the first part of this series, here's a brief explanation.
> 
> This story portrays Dissociative Identity Disorder (previously known as multiple personality disorder). There are still many misconceptions around this disorder and I do my best to be accurate in my portrayal and not play into harmful stereotypes. But I’m not an expert and there might still be mistakes. For anyone interested, I will link a website with information about DID.
> 
> http://traumadissociation.com/dissociativeidentitydisorder
> 
> The most prominent symptom of DID is the existence of different alters in a system. That’s difficult to portray, so to keep things from getting confusing, there are a few symbols used in this story.
> 
> \--- /o/ --- = a new alter has been created  
> \--- // --- = a switch happened and there is a different alter fronting now

When Loki woke up, she found herself lying on a mattress in a small room. It was warm here, clean and soft. And that in itself was wrong. This could not be her room. Loki was fully awake within seconds, her eyes were wide desperate to see through the darkness of the room and as she touched the wall to help her get up, her body froze. 

It was soft and padded. The thin strip of white light coming from the open door barely illuminated the small room but her frantic eyes searched for clues, anything that would prove that she was /not/ where she thought she was. Her flickering gaze got caught by the camera in the upper corner of the room and her lips parted in terror. Loki stared back into the familiar void, sucking the soul out of here like a black hole. A little more with every time. She was surprised there was even anything left of her by now.

But this wasn’t one of the big HD camera’s she knew from the studio, this one was the size of her fist, sitting there in the corner like a huge venomous spider.  
Loki was all alone this time around but the camera made the nature of the situation sufficiently clear to her. But why?

Where was En Dwi? Did she upset him? Sometimes he was angry at her, often for things, she couldn’t remember doing and then he was cold and wouldn’t shy away from anything to give her the punishment she deserved. But he had never left her alone like this.

Her heart was racing in panic even before she heard steps coming towards her door.

Someone was coming for her, coming to do to her what she was made for, while the camera’s indifferent eye turned the moment eternal.

The door opened and stinging light streamed inside, making her eyes ache as she stared at the silhouette of a person entering the room.

The person closed the door slightly to make less of the harsh light come inside but Loki was still blinded, colourful shapes dancing in front of her aching eyes as they got used to the darkness again.

“Sorry about the light,” The person whispered. It was a woman, Loki noticed. That was relatively uncommon, usually, she was taken by men. 

En Dwi said she just looked too good taking cock. But Loki had had experience with women too. She could do this. She took a breath to brace herself.

“I saw you were up and wanted to check in on you. How are you?” The woman asked and sat down on the floor, in front of Loki’s mattress.

“I’m horny,” Loki whispered, her voice rough as she spoke. She was desperate to guess what En Dwi might want her to say. He was watching, she had no doubts about that and she prayed that her act would be enough to please him. “I need it so bad. No one has touched me in forever.” 

The woman didn’t reply at that and Loki’s heart pounded in her chest. The silence became overwhelming. But her eyes had gotten used to the light now and she could actually see the person in front of her now.

The first thing Loki noticed was her face. She didn’t wear a mask of any sort and her round, old face was…worried. Loki had never been in a shoot with a woman like her. The women she knew had always been young, beautiful and either very cruel or in the same unfortunate position as herself. 

“Your name is Loki, right?” The woman asked.

“You can call me whatever you want.” 

“Loki, do you know where you are?” 

“I’m in an asylum,” Loki answered. By the time the words left her lips she realized that she was telling the truth. This time around it was not an act. That realization left her with a sense of terror that was previously unknown to her. Never before she had been made to feel quite like this, despite the horrors she knew. As she stared back into the woman’s face her grotesquely widened eyes filled up with tears. “I’m locked up here because I’m crazy. No one wants me outside. No one is asking about me.”

The woman was quiet for a brief moment.

“We are in a psychiatric clinic right now and it is a locked ward. But I don’t think of you as crazy. You’re here because lately, life has been pretty rough for you. Sometimes it gets too much to handle, even for the strongest people. You’re here to get help and to figure things out. And I’m here to help you with that. Whatever you might think, no one here will hurt you.” 

The words made Loki lose what little bit of orientation she still had left. She had been prepared to endure punishment now and perhaps if it was enough pain, enough humiliation, it would wash her clean of whatever mistake she had made and En Dwi would choose to take her back. So far, he had always forgiven her at one point- but this time around everything was different.

“Do you want to come with me to the nurse’s room?” The woman offered now. “One shouldn’t sit in the dark alone when feeling like this.”

Loki looked up into the camera for a few moments, imagining that En Dwi was watching her and pleading him with her gaze. Then she slowly got up, like a puppet drawn on strings. She was too used to doing as she was told to disobey now, even if the situation was so strange.

When Loki followed the woman outside of the room, to her horror she realized that there was an actual corridor here. Everything looked so…authentic. Before this moment there had still been a bit of doubt within her. Perhaps this was not real after all. 

But the sight hit her with full force and left no space for hope. This wasn’t just a set and En Dwi wasn’t there to call an end to the scene, because there was no scene and there wouldn’t be an end. 

This time everything was happening for real. 

Loki was frozen in the doorway, staring at the empty ward in complete terror. “Please no.” Her voice was a broken whisper and her hands came up to dig her nails into her scalp, she turned back into the dark room and fell on her knees. It didn’t hurt, the floor was padded too, she realized much to her terror.

She folded her hands and stared into the camera, in a twisted version of desperate prayer.

“Please. I didn’t mean to be bad. Take me back. I’m so sorry, I’ll do everything you ask, I won’t be bad again, I promise, but please, oh god please…”

Burning tears ran down her face in rivers and her face was scrunched up in a pathetic grimace of pure hurt. 

“Loki, stay with me now,” The woman had followed her back into the room and knelt down beside her but Loki didn’t dare look away from the camera. 

“This is not the end of the world. I promise,” She said but the words barely reached Loki. “Look at me. Try to breathe with me. Breathe in, hold it there for a moment and breathe out again.”

But Loki couldn’t. This situation wasn’t anything she was prepared for, nothing she could understand or handle. Her breathing grew more rapid even and she was still incapable of looking away from the black camera lens that never gave anything back, despite how much it took from her. 

The black hole grew larger and larger until it swallowed her whole.

\---//---

Loki sat in a chair, with a plastic cup filled with hot tea in his hands. He hadn’t yet been drinking from it, his entire focus was directed at the woman sitting in front of him. She had introduced herself as Milla and had been talking for a few minutes now, explaining where he was and how he had gotten here.

Milla was very clear in her choice of words, like she had had this conversation before. Everything about her body language to the knowing expression on her face told him that this was not her first rodeo. But to Loki, everything was painfully new, and it was near impossible to wrap his head around what she was telling him. It felt like she was telling him a story about someone else, nothing that affected him directly.

Apparently, Loki had gone to the shelter after his talk with Ross, which he just barely remembered when he focused. And as soon as he had arrived at the shelter, he had gone to the bathroom, broken the mirror inside and used one of the shards of glass to cut his wrists open. He was transported out of the building by paramedics less than an hour after he had first set foot into it. 

When Milla got to that part, Loki looked down at his wrists to see them covered in perfectly white bandages, neatly covering up whatever he had done to himself. His right hand was wrapped up as well and when he moved his fingers he could feel the sharp familiar pain of cut skin beneath. 

But feeling the pain while seeing nothing but bland white bandages, made the injury unreal, dream-like. 

Loki longed to tear away the spotless gauze and see for himself what he had done to himself. Perhaps then it would feel real and everything would start making sense.

Maybe later. Milla was likely to stop him. 

“You were taken to the hospital and from there you got straight to us.” Milla continued and took a gulp from her coffee. “We didn’t mean to scare you by putting you in the time-out room. But it was already very late when you got here, and the other patients were already asleep. That’s the only reason we put you in there. Also, this is the only room here that is padded and the only one that has camera surveillance. It is only used in emergency situations. The rest of the rooms are pretty normal.”

Loki’s expression was bland and unmoving. He was hollowed out and nothing Milla had said had made him feel anything stronger than mild surprise. 

“Things have been moving really fast these last few days, didn’t they?” Milla said sympathetically. Her warm eyes were searching Loki’s for a response. Loki shrugged his shoulders. She was right of course. Things were moving so fast he was fucking dizzy from it all, falling endlessly with nothing to hold on to. 

It probably had been less than twenty-four hours since the dull explosion during lunch had announced the end of the world he knew. 

“Well, things here are very slow. There is a lot of structure and a lot of rules and while that can be annoying, I think it’s just the right thing for some people. To calm down, to get the time and the space to figure things out. I guess there’s a lot to figure out right now?”

Loki shrugged once more and took his first sip from his cup of tea. It tasted of nothing but Loki could feel the warmth travel down his throat.  
“How long do I have to stay here?” He finally asked, not answering Milla’s question.

“How long it takes. Not shorter than one week though and not longer than four. This place doesn’t offer therapy or a long-term solution, it is only to overcome crisis situations. Does that sound okay to you?”

“I guess so.” 

Loki was oddly comforted to know that he was locked up again. He had gotten used to restrictions, rules, and punishments and being confronted with freedom all of a sudden was more frightening than anyone else might realize.

“What happens after that?” Loki asked and dread had crept into his previously emotionless tone. He suddenly caught himself wishing that he hadn’t asked. 

“That’s a really big question and not the kind of thing that we can figure out right here and now.” Milla began to explain and Loki hated her for that not-answer. “But we always make sure that our patients get to a safe environment once they leave here. Sometimes that means another clinic, other times it means returning to your family, or finding a spot in a supported living group or foster family. But we won’t leave you to figure things out on your own.”

Milla looked at him, expecting him to react to what she had said but Loki only took a few more sips from his tea. At least it didn’t sound like he would be made to be back with his family by the end of the week like Ross had planned.

For a while longer they sat together in silence and Loki became aware of his exhaustion during that time. It became so intense that he wondered how he could not have noticed how tired he was until it was difficult to even keep his eyes open. 

“Loki, are you okay?” Milla asked as she set her cup down on the table.

“I’m really tired.”

“You should go back to bed then. There is a lot of time to talk tomorrow.”

Milla took the cup from him and walked him to a room. Loki dragged his feet over the linoleum floor until they reached a door, that Milla opened for him. The room behind it was empty but had a mattress lying on the floor and a camera in the upper corner. A sudden wave of nausea hit Loki and he found that he was unable to walk across the threshold of the door. Everything within him was fighting it.

This room felt too much like the room he had been locked into over and over again. Empty without even as much as a real bed inside, framed by bare walls that stood way too close to one another.

“I can’t,” Loki whispered, mortified. His feet were glued to the floor and his body refused to move. “No…I can’t.”

Milla didn’t ask questions. She didn’t try to convince him or to argue with him. Instead, she got another nurse to help her put the mattress down in a quiet part of the corridor, that was somewhat shielded from the bright lights coming from the lamps above them.

That wasn’t perfect either. But it was good enough for Loki to find a few hours of sleep that night.

~

In a way, this place was the exact opposite from the basement Loki knew, despite the parallels. Everything here was bright and clean. There were large windows everywhere, to let in the warm light from outside and show the well-kept garden outside of the building. When Loki had asked, if that wasn’t kind of stupid, the nurse showing him around had explained that the windows were made from bulletproof glass.

And while the rules might feel constricting to people who were used to freedom, Loki was almost overwhelmed with the amount of leeway he had. They had to wake up at a set time, had a certain amount of time to eat, had to ask for permission to take a shower, weren’t allowed to have physical contact with the other patients and they weren’t allowed in the garden alone. 

The contact to the outside world was reduced to a minimum. Every phone call, every visitor had to be approved by the staff first. 

‘This is a safe space, and we want to keep negative influences from the outside as low as we can.’ The nurse had told him.

But all those rules were still far laxer than what Loki was used to. He was free to choose his own activities here. There was a big shelf filled with books, games, pencils and white paper for drawing or writing and on top of that there were offers to work with clay or to paint multiple times a week…it was overwhelming to even think of the seemingly endless ways to pass the time. 

Also, within the ward, Loki was allowed to move freely. All doors, except for the ones leading outside were unlocked. The ward wasn’t particularly big but to Loki the amount of open space and the freedom he was given was difficult to bear. 

The last part of the tour was the room he was going to stay in.

There were two beds inside, one was completely untouched, the sheets free from wrinkles and perfectly clean, while the other one had clearly been slept in and all kinds of stuff was scattered around.

“You will be in a room with Tony, you might have seen him during breakfast, the guy with the brown hair?” Loki shook his head. He couldn’t even remember having had breakfast at all. “He’s a good guy. But if you two don’t click, come have a talk to us and we can figure things out, alright? Changing rooms is no problem around here.”

Loki nodded his head mechanically. The tour hadn’t been particularly long and the day had only just begun but he felt terribly exhausted already.

And to his surprise they let him have his peace. He got to just lie in the bright room by himself, emptily staring at a wall. 

At one point the same nurse that had shown him around the ward knocked on the open door and entered a few moments later.

“Hey, we were just about to start a game of Monopoly. Do you want to join?”

“No thanks.” Loki’s heartbeat quickened once he had said those words and his eyes nervously glanced over at the nurse. He had refused. He half expected to be dragged out of this room by his hair and beat up until he couldn’t do anything but hurt. 

“Sure. No pressure on your first day. I’ll check in on you again later. And if you’d just like to sit by and watch, you’re welcome to.” 

The nurse left, leaving Loki with that same sense of falling as last night. The strict, soul-crushing rules he was used to were no more. They were meaningless and empty, despite all the blood and tears they had cost Loki. And in its place was only emptiness, that Loki didn’t know how to fill. Everything felt so pointless. Without the pain in his life, what was even left?

The hours passed in silence and Loki couldn’t get any real rest anymore after that. The bed was far too comfortable, the pillow too fluffy and the mattress was too bouncy. At one point he lied his blanket on the floor and curled up on it.

~

A knock pulled Loki out of his trance-like state. He was awake instantly, used to being in survival mode immediately. But that too seemed to be obsolete now.  
“Hey, Loki. It’s just about dinner time, I didn’t mean to wake you up.” It was the same nurse from before, he believed he was called Sam. Loki eyed him warily, his body tense. “Is there something wrong with the bed?”

“Too soft,” Loki answered curtly and Sam nodded sympathetically. Fuck. It felt all wrong, like ants on his body. Where was the reaction Loki knew, the one he expected? Why were the people here so soft, just like his bed? 

“I’ve been in the army for a few years. I know how weird it can feel to sleep in a normal bed again. But sleeping on nothing but the blanket will mess up your back pretty badly, trust me. If you really can’t sleep in the bed, we can put the mattress on the floor for you.”

Loki nodded slowly, never taking his eyes off the man.

“Also, I wanted to let you know that a guy named Clint sent us an e-mail for you. Do you want to read it?”

Loki’s guarded expression fell. His eyes widened in surprise and his tense lips softened. A lump formed in his throat and Loki swallowed heavily.

“Yes. Please.”

~

_Hey, Loki,  
How are you doing? Probably not very good, none of us are. But I think it’s pretty normal to feel that way, considering everything. Everyone here is very nice, except for some of the police people. They are very annoying. They keep asking us stupid questions about all kinds of things. You’re lucky that you’re at the clinic, I don’t think they’ll bother you there. _

_I pretended to not be able to read their lips and they printed out the questions for me. What the hell, right?_

_Do they treat you okay at the clinic? I hope they’ll let you read my message._

_The others are worried about you too. James has been talking even less than normal, but he did ask how you’re doing, so you can feel quite special about that.  
I hope you’ll get out soon. You haven’t forgotten about our road trip, right? _

_All the best,_

_Clint_


	2. Spring

Loki had been invited to play Just Dance with the others after dinner, but he declined again. He didn’t know how exactly he had imagined a nuthouse to work…but he would have never expected a bunch of relatively normal-appearing kids playing Wii after having had vegetarian lasagne for dinner. 

But Loki couldn’t. He had returned to his room, where he dragged the mattress on the floor and lied down on it. The nurse, Sam was his name, had printed out Clint’s letter for him and he held the folded paper tightly to his chest.

“Feels good to know someone out there is caring for you,” Sam had said and smiled at him. “Let me know when you want to answer him, you can use the PC for that.”

But Loki hadn’t been able to figure out an answer just yet. He had made the most nightmarish of days even more terrible by deciding to take his leave straight after their traumatic rescue. What was he even going to tell Clint? Sorry?

_‘What makes you think that they care about you enough to be hurt by what you’ve done?’_

Ice water trickled through his veins, making Loki shiver. No. That wasn’t true. If they didn’t care Clint would have never sent that letter. But the seed of doubt was planted now and roots were already stretching out to burrow themselves into the crooks and curves of his brain. Insecurities tended to grow well in Loki’s damaged mind.

~

More time than he had expected must have passed because at one point his dark thoughts were interrupted by someone entering the room without knocking.

Loki startled violently at the unexpected movement, banging his head against the wall on accident. Oww fuck.

The pain amplified his panic and his body was pressed tightly into the corner of the wall when he got a first look at the intruder.

It was a boy about the same age as himself, with brown hair, wearing a band shirt and jogging pants. His cheeks were tinted red and there was a thin sheen of sweat on his face, making his skin shine. There was a winning smile on his face but it faltered when he saw Loki curled up on the floor in the corner of the room, rubbing the back of his head. 

“Oh fuck, sorry. I totally forgot that you were here. I had the room to myself until now. Not that I mind the company. Especially not when it’s someone as handsome as you.” The smile was back on his face now, bright and confident and only for Loki. The boy sat down on the lower end of the mattress without asking and Loki pulled his legs closer to his chest.

“I’m Tony. Who are you?”

Loki was perplexed. Tony had shifted the atmosphere in the room effortlessly. The darkness and the panic were simply pushed away because Tony’s confidence was almost enough to fill up the entire room. His behaviour told the story of a boy who was used to being liked by the people around him and was very much aware of his effect. The life of the party kind of person. Why was someone who was as confident and outgoing as him _here_? Loki caught himself scanning the other boy for something that would mark him as being sick.

“I’m Loki.” He answered, after having recovered from the initial shock.

“Cool. Why are you here?”

“They told me to sleep here.”

“I didn’t mean here is in that room. I mean…why are you in a psychiatric ward?”

Loki frowned suspiciously. What the fuck kind of small talk was that? Was this considered normal around here?

“Guess I’m just crazy,” Loki answered with a shrug, which made the other chuckle.

“Pretty vague. But hey, keep your secrets to yourself man, no pressure.” Tony just offered him a charming smile. “Aren’t you going to ask me why I’m here?”

“Should I?”

Now it was Tony’s turn to shrug. “Well it’s a really common question around here, I guess. It kind of feels natural to ask. It’s the same in rehab.”

There it was. Loki looked the boy over again but still he couldn’t really pinpoint a sign. Loki wondered how much his own appearance gave away about his mental state. A whole lot more than he liked, that was for sure.

“Rehab? How old are you?”

“Seventeen. I’ve been to rehab twice now.”

“You’re getting started early.”

Tony laughed. It sounded so honest and yet Loki couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something else beneath it all. Sure, Tony didn’t seem to make a secret out of his problems, paraded them around even…but it felt more like armour to cover something else up.

“I guess so. Well, none of those expensive programs have worked for me so far because a week ago I was in the hospital with alcohol poisoning talking all about how I wanted to die. To be fair everyone with alcohol poisoning would talk about wanting to die, it’s not very nice trust me. You’re lucky that most of my withdrawal symptoms have already faded away, I'm not great to be around during that time.” 

Tony swallowed heavily but then went on. “Well all of this got me here- which is a first-time experience. It’s not as bad as I expected, really. No straight jackets or cages or anything. But my dad will probably get me back out in the next few days. There’s an important gala dinner on Friday and I really need to be there for that, or else the media will get suspicious of where I am…” 

Tony’s smile flickered, like a candle that was about to die out. But the moment only lasted a few seconds, before the smile was back again, strong and bright like nothing happened at all.

“…so if you’d like to make out with me you better hurry up.”

Tony winked and Loki stupidly blinked back at him.

Listening to Tony was dizzying, really. One moment Loki thought he had caught him slipping and the next Tony had already covered it all up again, skilfully deflecting it with a joke or a clever remark, leaving the listener to wonder if they had only imagined the crack in the façade. 

Loki wasn’t sure if that was the reason why he felt so disoriented now but his head was spinning. Loki lied his hands over his face, waiting for the feeling to pass by. 

“People actually make out here?” 

When Loki glanced up, he saw Tony grinning at him and Loki’s head became more and more unclear. 

“Well I don’t know about what everyone else is doing…but when I see someone as magnificent as you, I’ll at least try my luck.”

That made Loki wary. He knew that Tony wouldn’t just go ahead and rape him. It was probably frowned upon here. But there was this air of doubt. The what-if. Loki’s boundaries had been overstepped, stretched, broken, ripped so many times that he wasn’t sure if they even still existed. Or if anyone would pay the slightest mind about crossing them just once more. 

“I’m tired,” Loki said finally, his tone sharp, making it clear that he wanted the conversation to end.

“Sure,” Tony got up immediately and smiled once more at Loki. Loki’s eyes narrowed. It only made him more suspicious that Tony backed off so quickly. “Sleep well. Uhm, I snore, so I’ll just put a fresh set of earplugs on your bedside table. No earwax on them I promise. And if that’s not enough just hit me with a pillow or something. You’ll figure out a way I’m sure.”

\---//---

Sigyn felt like she had barely slept that night. She had woken up while it was still dark out and had been lying on her mattress waiting for the sun to go up, listening to soft snoring coming from the other bed in the room. For the third time in her life, she had found herself in a completely unexpected place without a warning or an explanation.

The first time was when she had been created as an alter. The second time was when she had woken up in the basement…and now she was here.

Yesterday, when she had woken up for the first time it had been a huge shock to her, but she had gone along, pretending like she knew what was happening. Sigyn couldn’t be entirely sure where she was even now, and she didn’t dare ask. It was her job to keep up the illusion that everything was normal and to not attract any negative attention. 

But lying there in the dark she had the time to think about everything. Something bad had happened, she could feel it. 

Sigyn was more aware of the state of their mind than the others were, and she could feel a new presence within, someone cruel and dangerous. Whoever it was, was radiating darkness and cold. 

The entity seemed to feel that Sigyn had noticed it and something within their head shifted, as it addressed her directly. 

_‘You’re useless.’ She would hiss. It was a woman who used her words as daggers, knowing exactly where to aim. ‘What you’re doing can never be enough. You’re just helping in prolonging a state of misery. No one should have to live that way and deep down you know. But you force them to survive, even though nothing ever gets better. And all the while you think you’re pure and good for doing it. You allow them to get raped and hurt over and over again by keeping them alive.’_

_‘Who are you?’_ Sigyn twisted and frowned in her half-sleep.

_‘I am Hela. And I am here to do the only thing that is right. You can go on doing what you’ve always done, take your comfort from it if you want to. But you can’t stop me and soon you will be free of your burden just like the rest of them.’_

The stranger disappeared after that exchange, into the depths of their mind only leaving behind a sense of hurt and fear so tangible that Sigyn could taste it in the back of her throat. Like metal and bile. And as Sigyn waited for the sun to rise, the feeling only grew, like mould.

_~_

When someone knocked on the door, Sigyn had been awake for hours already and exhausted before the day had even begun. In the room she could hear another person groaning and shifting on their bed. 

“Fivemoreminutes…” 

When Sigyn got up and looked over at the person whose snores had been accompanying her all night, she saw a boy lying on his bed, tangled up in the sheets and rubbing his eyes. 

When he finally opened his eyes and caught her standing there looking at him, he sat up and a smile spread on his face. It was like he was putting on a well worn, comfortable mask. Sigyn knew that feeling, she had a mask like that herself.

“Hey Lokes. Did you sleep okay? The snoring wasn’t too bad right?” 

“No, it was okay.” Sigyn put on her own mask and smiled back at him. Lokes. Since when did they have a nickname? But she found that she kind of liked it, even if it wasn’t her name at all. If the dark circles beneath her eyes gave away that her night had not been good at all, the other had the decency not to call her out on it.

The boy stretched and yawned before he got up from the bed and started selecting some clothes that were lying on the floor, his nightstand and the chair in the corner of the room. 

“Do you shower in the morning or in the evening? I definitely shower in the morning so if you’ll be heading for breakfast already, save a spot for me, okay Lokes?”

~

Now in the light of day, Sigyn wasn’t as afraid as she used to be of this new presence within them. In fact, she felt spiteful. Thinking about it, everything she did was at least partly out of spite.

If this person thought she could take all of this away from her, she was wrong. Sigyn would give it a fight at least and she would keep doing the right thing- which was to care, to heal. 

And it seemed like this place was making it much easier for her to do exactly that, than the environments she was used to. It was calm here and warm, there was sunlight flooding the clean rooms from the large windows and the people were respectful and kind whenever they interacted with her.

Also, the breakfast here was incredible. There was jam, peanut butter, chocolate spread, two different types of bread, fresh fruit as well as milk and orange juice to drink. And there was so much of it. Sigyn could take however much she wanted and wasn’t forced to stay hungry after meals. 

It was perhaps the most pleasant environment she ever experienced.

Sigyn loaded up her plate and sat down at a table in the corner of the room and began to eat while looking out of the window. A squirrel was running across the lawn and up a tree and she wished that this Hela could be here to see this because this was what made her struggle worth it. The thousand small moments that made life worth clinging to. 

“Hey Loki,” Sigyn turned away from the window and saw the boy from before putting down his tray in front of her. 

“Hey.” Sigyn politely smiled at him and continued to eat once he had sat down. But then she focused once more on the view of the garden, trying to memorize every precious little detail in case one day it would be taken away from her once more. 

The brunette in front of her was eating too but out of the corner of her eye Sigyn noticed that he also regularly looked up at her, his gaze lingering on her face for too long to be accidental. She pretended not too notice, too unsure about what might be expected of her.

“Soo…” He asked after a while. “Can I ask you a question? Not trying to be offensive or push you, you can tell me to fuck off literally any second you choose to at all times and I’ll do it without questions.”

Sigyn turned away from the window to face the other directly with a frown. There was a blush on his cheeks making his freckles stand out. She didn’t have much to base her judgment on, except for the nickname and that embarrassed look on his face- and for some reason that was enough for her. After a moment she nodded her head. “Uhm, sure. What is it?”

“I’m just trying to figure you out. Are you…well not to sound rude but you’re very thin so I’ve been thinking you might have like an eating disorder?” The boy’s voice was but a whisper now and he briefly glanced over at a sad-looking girl with sunken eyes, that had been spreading the butter on her bread for five minutes now.

“But you’re eating perfectly fine. Which is absolutely great! I was just wondering.”

Sigyn was perhaps the only one in the system who wasn’t an extraordinarily good liar- in fact, she was pretty bad with lies. Both telling and recognizing them. She rarely had to interact with anyone and was only fronting for brief amounts of times so that wasn’t a skill she ever had to perfect. 

“Well I…I eat when I can,” She said with an uncomfortable smile. “It’s the best I can do.” 

“Wow. That answer did exactly nothing to clear things up for me,” The boy’s chuckle showed that he wasn’t angry at her for avoiding his question. His brown eyes sparkled and he lied one hand on the table between them. “I like a riddle. And you’re quite the beautiful riddle, Loki.”

The boy was offering her his best smile but Sigyn looked away, her cheeks heating and focused on the food in front of her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, a relatively light-hearted chapter! Are you suspicious yet?  
> As always thanks for reading, I love to hear about your thoughts :)


	3. Just Dance

“You should join us tonight. I bet you’ve got some sick moves.” Tony and Loki sat together on the mattress on the floor, surprisingly comfortable with each other’s presence despite the short amount of time they had spent together.

Loki rolled his eyes now. It was the fourth time Tony had brought that stupid game up today and it was starting to really get on his nerves.

“Shut up Tony,” He said without looking at the other.

“Or at least just watch me make a fool of myself? It’s a lot of fun. Come on. Please,” Tony begged. 

Loki had been right to avoid looking at Tony, because the moment he looked over and saw that hopeful expression in his brown eyes, he knew that he had lost.  
Loki groaned. But the truth was, that he had grown to like Tony in those past few days. He felt oddly normal with him, probably because his constant chattering filled up the silence, making it impossible for Loki’s mind to brood in peace. It wasn’t enough to make him feel whole, not by a long shot, but it was enough to make Loki feel less acutely aware of his brokenness.

Usually, Loki would have refused Tony’s offer. He still got very quickly exhausted mentally and physically and was in desperate need of a few hours of quiet and solitude after dinner- but today was different.

In the afternoon a nurse had informed him that his father had been at the clinic this morning and wanted to see him. 

But since every contact was strictly controlled in the clinic, they asked him for his phone number, so that they could reach out to him, if they were to approve a visit and then asked him to leave. That had gotten him very upset and he had to be escorted out of the building by security.

The nurse didn’t go into detail, but Loki didn’t need her to, to be able to imagine the scene vividly. 

He knew Laufey well. Years upon years of watching him with fearful eyes had made Loki a finely-tuned radar for all signs of displeasure coming from him. But he didn’t even need to see Laufey to know that his father must be scared out of his mind at this point. 

After all his life was on the line- the moment he decided to tell one of the nurses or a police officer the truth about how he had ended up in the basement, a huge, unforgiving machine would start. Once they knew what to look for, the evidence scattered around would be hard to miss. Rumlow might not rat out his teammates but he didn’t give a shit about Laufey. 

But still, Loki had not said a word. Perhaps he would never. Rumlow had seen right through him- he loved his father and he still did.

The nurse sympathetically asked Loki if he would like to contact his father and made sure that he knew that he could also call him or send him an e-mail if he didn’t want to see him in person, but Loki refused. 

His decision was accepted without question and he was once more assured that no unauthorized person would ever enter the ward…but the mere idea that Laufey had been here in this building, haunted Loki all day. He had been here in this city, in this building, so close…he had come for Loki. Only out of his own interest of course but Loki couldn’t help thinking: What if it’s something more? What if he really wants me back this time around? 

Perhaps it was better to spend the evening listening to obnoxious music rather than giving this thought the time and the space to grow into something dangerous in the silence.

“Alright,” Loki finally agreed and rested his head on the wall with a sigh. “But only because you will look so fucking stupid. And I won’t dance.” 

Tony beamed at him, looking extremely pleased with himself and his masterful persuasion skills.

“I’ll try to look extra stupid just for you.”

~

Tony made true on his promise later that evening, dancing to Rasputin by Bony M, giving absolutely all he had to it. 

It was truly something to behold and Loki couldn’t help the weak smile tugging on his lips, as he shook his head watching Tony channel the mad energy of this song.  
By the end of it, Tony was sweaty, and his face was flushed from the exercise and the excitement of it. 

The mood in the room was just about through the roof, for psychiatry standards. People were laughing, talking or arguing on who was about to go next and bowls of chips and popcorn stood on the counter. 

It was hard to imagine that all those kids were all crisis cases. But knowing that they were made it even more amazing to watch them, they lifted each other up and worked together to create those few hours of blissful ignorance in the midst of their struggle. 

Somehow that reminded Loki of Clint, who too had been masterful in bringing brief moments of joy into their lives, while they had been locked up. 

Of course, some of the patients chose not to join at all, others only watched and a few went back to their rooms after a while when it got too mentally exhausting for them, but for the most part, everyone was having a good time.

It made it easier for Loki to let go as well. He was more relaxed than he thought he would be, more genuinely happy than he would have thought possible.  
And perhaps that was the reason why at one point, Tony tried his luck again and started begging Loki to join in. He was surprisingly persistent and incredibly annoying until finally, Loki relented.

“Just one song. One.” Loki said sternly, as he got up from his seat. 

“That’s all I’m asking. You definitely won’t regret it. Everybody, let Loki pick the next song before he changes his mind!”

Tony was wrong, Loki was already regretting his decision when he stepped up and was handed one of the smooth white controllers. The others probably weren’t staring at him specifically, but he definitely felt stared at. Like pinpricks in his back, making the hair on his neck stand up. 

The feeling intensified as he went through the list of songs. He was taking too long, everyone was waiting. He didn’t even know half of the songs. What if he chose a stupid one? But then he saw Disturbia by Rihanna on the list and he remembered that the song definitely was not stupid. 

At least night by the standards of fifteen-year-old Loki, who had listened to it last.

Loki pressed the button and the song started to load. Fuck. The controller might slip out of his hand, that’s how sweaty his palms were. 

The beat started and the music set in and suddenly all doubt was gone. Loki didn’t even know which one of the stats was his or how he scored, or how he must look like trying to follow the movements…he just danced. Which was obviously the entire point of the game. And it was a surprising amount of fun. 

The song ended sooner than Loki would have expected and he was surprised to find that he was out of breath. He hadn’t even noticed while dancing. His body was warm and he felt awake in a way that he had not before. When he looked over his shoulder, he saw Tony cheering him on. 

“New fucking high score, did you guys see that?! That was absolutely insane, woah!” 

He high-fived Loki, who returned to sit on his chair next to Tony. He drank some water while some of the other kids picked up the controllers and started a new song.   
“You were really good out there.” Tony pointed out. His expression shifted from being entirely too pleased with himself, to something softer more vulnerable. He looked kind of flustered when Loki turned around at him.

“Thanks.”

“You do ballet?” 

“What?” The beginning of a smile that had played around Loki’s lips was wiped off his face immediately and the warm happy feeling faded away as well, replaced by ice in the pit of his stomach.

“Well…the way you move has a ballet vibe to it,” Tony scratched the back of his neck, looking uncomfortable with the sudden change he had caused in Loki’s demeanour. “That’s not meant to be an insult if that’s what you think. I’ve been doing ballet for years. For posture and shit.”

_‘For flexibility and stuff. To get toned.’_

The memory of merciless repetitions, of his body, trembling under the strain, his muscles screaming at him to please stop because he was going to break- it crashed over Loki like a dark wave that pulled him away with irresistible strength, out of this carefree moment and back into his ocean of troubles. 

“Shit, sorry. Didn’t mean to hit a raw nerve. Let’s change the topic, okay?”

Loki nodded without even hearing the question. The static was back, rushing in his ears, prickling uncomfortably on his skin, blurring his vision. It was impossible to fight his way out of it. If Tony spoke during the next few minutes, Loki didn’t even notice it. 

But in time the ocean spat Loki back out on shore again and Loki got the chance to scramble up on his feet back, stumbling on loose sand until he made his way back to solid ground. He was desperate to return to the moment he had come from. It wasn’t often that he got to forget his sorrows and Loki wouldn’t let this be taken away from him now. He had to at least try to reclaim it.

“Do you want to do a song together?” Loki asked. Tony was still sitting next to him he must have waited patiently for Loki to re-emerge and now he perked up at hearing him speak again. “A dance battle? If you even have the courage.”

To say that Tony looked thrilled was an understatement. His eyes lit up like neon lights.

“Sure! We even have the new game you probably don’t even know it yet. Hey guys. Guys, can we do the 2020 one now?”

It seemed like everyone was okay with that, they let Tony change the game and waited for it to load. Once it did Tony took one controller for himself and handed another one to Loki, while two other kids picked up controllers for themselves. 

“They have Bad Guy on there,” Tony said, as he looked through the list of songs.

“What’s that?”

Tony turned around and looked at Loki incredulously. “I’m the bad guy, duh?"

Loki just frowned, puzzled and shook his head, which made Tony raise his eyebrows in disbelief.

“Billie Eilish? Have you been living under some kind of rock?”

At that Loki smiled weakly.

“Well, in a way yes.”

~

They had danced until Sam told them to turn off the console and get ready for bed. Tony and some of the others argued passionately, which bought them three more songs. 

But after that, the console was turned off, and all of them left the room to get changed and brush their teeth in the joined bathroom.

The collective mood was still good, there was laughter and some jokes and Loki felt pretty okay as well, despite images of Laufey and now also Sarkissian haunting him, now that things were becoming quieter around him. 

They all got to their rooms and another nurse made a round through the ward, checking if everyone was ready to go to bed and if everyone was doing alright, before the lights were turned off. 

But once the nurse had been gone for a few minutes Tony spoke again in the dark. 

“I’m not tired at all,” Tony whispered in the silence. Loki was relieved to hear him. He could tell that he wouldn’t be able to sleep yet and he was scared of lying in the dark, alone with his thoughts.

“…me neither,” Loki breathed back and sat up against the cool wall.

“Do you mind if I come down to sit on your mattress? We can talk for a bit.”

“Sure.”

Loki listened to the bed sheets rustling and Tony’s naked feet moving across the room to sit down on the lower end of his mattress. 

“You were pretty amazing out there,” Tony said softly. Heat crept on Loki’s cheeks and this time around it wasn’t from the dancing.

“Thank you. You too.” His voice was but a breath but loud enough between them.

There was a brief pause and Loki could hear Tony shifting.

“I think you’re pretty amazing in general.”

Loki stayed silent at that. The darkness in the room became very heavy suddenly, making it harder to breathe. Through the blanket, he felt Tony’s hand on his calf. The atmosphere shifted into something else when he realized that Tony wanted him.

And suddenly Loki was losing ground rapidly. This feeling of being pulled under got stronger like his head was no longer entirely his own anymore. He stayed on that brink for a while, fighting it but before he knew it he was pushed over into the void.

“Loki? We don’t have to do anything. And if we do, it can be as little or as much as you want. It’s not gonna be weird if you say no, okay?”

\---//---

Loki didn’t need long to orientate herself in that situation, despite the darkness surrounding her. She felt the charge in the air, the smell of it was enough. She knew what game was being played. And by now she had learned how to play along. She was made for this after all. 

“I want you.” Her voice sounded breathy in the room and in front of her someone shifted.

“Really?” The voice that answered belonged to a boy. He sounded surprised for a moment but quickly regained his confidence. She heard the smile in his voice. “Well, that’s great. I want you too.”

The weight on the mattress shifted and Tony came up to her, searching for her face in the dark to kiss her. A hand rested on her cheek and was tracing the shapes of her face, brushing over her nose and then her lips. Moments later warm breath ghosted over her parted lips and she closed the distance between them, kissing the boy deep and hard, just like she had learned to. They parted and the other gasped softly.

“Woah, Loki. You’re taking things pretty quick.” He said breathlessly.

“I want your cock.”

The other didn’t answer, just breathed heavily. And Loki didn’t waste time. The bit of light coming in from the corridor was more than enough for her to find what she was looking for. She reached for Tony’s cock through his pajama bottoms, listening to the other gasp.

Loki squeezed lightly, massaging until she could feel him grow hard beneath her touch. She changed her position then and just moments later, she had freed the other’s half-hard dick from his soft pants and lowered her head to suck on it.

“Oh fuck,” Tony’s voice was cut off and tense, his entire body was stiff and unmoving beneath her touch. For a while Loki just went on at her own speed, waiting for the other to take control. For her hair to be pulled, for her head to pushed down until she was close to passing out from lack of oxygen.

But it never happened, and Loki assumed that it was expected of her to do it herself. 

_‘Sweetheart. You’re hah. You’re making things a bit too easy on yourself. You know that this isn’t all about you staying inside your little comfort zone, right? We all know that you’re kind of a slut so you might as well…make an effort and be really good at it, right? Sometimes you have to take initiative and show how badly you want it, it’s just…makes you look really good. Here I’ll give you a little something to make it easier, you’ll learn in time, baby.’_

Perhaps this was all just a test. Perhaps if she was good enough En Dwi would come back for her, instead of letting her rot away forgotten and alone. That thought drove her further and she ignored the last remnants of her gag reflex and pushed past the feeling of discomfort, making tears well up in her eyes.

“Woah, Loki-“ The stranger seemed like he had not expected to be deepthroated, his tone was shocked even. And if his breath had been uneven before, now he was panting frantically. 

It didn’t take long at all for Tony to spill and it sounded as though Loki had knocked the breath out of him. Loki was taken by surprise and choked as she struggled to swallow. She knew that the men on the shoots often took pills to help them keep it up- this obviously wasn’t the case here.

Loki coughed a few times before she could take in a first deep breath. Tears seeped from her eyes and she wiped them away with her wrists.

“Oh my god. Loki just…how on earth…how did you do that? Are you okay?” 

“I’m a slut. I’m born for this.” 

“What?”

“Will En Dwi come back now?” 

“Wait- who?”

“Please tell him that I’ll be good. Tell him to take me back.” Her voice took on a desperate tone and Loki was staring at the dark spot, where Tony’s face must be. Her trembling fingers reached out to lie on the other’s chest and clench in the fabric of his shirt. “Please. I’m really sorry, I swear. I’ll never do it again, please believe me.”  
“Loki? Snap out of it. I don’t know whoever you’re talking about. I have no idea what’s going on right now!” The other scrambled away, sounding absolutely clueless. But that didn’t stop Loki from begging. She was clinging to everything she could get, no matter how unreasonable.

“Please help me. I don’t want to be here. I’ll do everything,” Loki’s voice shook and a series of sobs clawed their way out of her tight throat. The oxygen in the air was decreasing and Loki struggled to breathe at all.

The other was silent for a moment and she couldn’t see his face, couldn’t guess what he was thinking. 

“Take a few breaths now Lokes, that’s good. Just in and out. I’ll get up now, to go and get the nurses. They’ll be able to help you.”

“No!” Loki’s scream was shrill and filled with the desperate fear of a dying animal. Her grip on the other’s shirt tightened. “No, please, everything you want. Don’t do it. Don’t, I don’t want to-”

It was only seconds after her initial scream that the door was ripped open and light from outside filled the room. She blinked at the wide-eyed boy in front of her for a second, then turned around, to see the silhouettes of two people standing in the doorway.

For a split second, she just stared, before the horror of the situation got to her. And then the panic took over, bright and shrill and all she could do was scream her lungs out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You thought you'd get a happy chapter about Loki having a great evening? Well that's what I thought too but yet here we are.
> 
> Thank you for reading, comments give me life!


	4. Clues

_Dear Clint,_

_Thanks for your e-mail. It’s good to hear from you. Sorry that it took me so long to get back to you._

_People are okay here. I can’t really get used to how they treat me. Overly nice and understanding. But they leave me alone most of the time and that’s good.  
You’re right. I do feel kind of shitty, they say some of it is due to me being in withdrawal and that it will get better. I hope they’re right. I didn’t even know that I was on drugs in there._

_I don’t think I’ll get to leave soon. You probably knew already but there’s a whole lot more wrong with me than I thought. I’m not sure if I can be fixed at all.  
So that road trip will have to be postponed. Or you’ll have to go with someone else. It’s fine if you do but don’t forget to send me pictures._

_And tell the others I said hello. The staff told me they wouldn’t show me messages that could be upsetting or disturbing to me, which is bullshit obviously. So let’s talk about what is happening to everyone another time._

_Take care of yourself and don’t let those police people mess with you too much. Pretend to have a panic attack the next time and go absolutely apeshit in their faces. They won’t be able to tell whether or not you’re faking it but they’re likely to leave you alone after that._

_All the best,_

_Loki_

The cursor hovered over the “Send” button for a few seconds, while Loki’s eyes scanned the message once more and then he clicked it. He waited until he got the confirmation that the message was delivered correctly. He tried to imagine the message popping up on some screen on the other side of the city, waiting to be read by Clint. But it didn’t feel real, it just felt like he had thrown a bottle in the ocean and whether or not his message would find the person it was directed to, was dependent on the changing mood of the wind and the sea.

He got up from the chair in the nurse’s room, ready to quietly creep back out again and go to his room, which was waiting for him quiet and empty.

“Loki?” Milla turned her chair towards him just before he reached the door. “You have an appointment with Doctor Strange today, at three pm. Just to let you know.”

It had been unexpected that everyone had just let him be for such a long time, without dissecting his mind with uncomfortable questions. But Loki assumed that in the end it really had been inevitable. Loki looked over at Milla, who was sitting on her chair. 

“Is he going to prescribe me medication?” Loki’s voice was still slightly hoarse but at least his throat no longer felt like he had eaten sandpaper and nails.

“Maybe. But he puts a lot of thought and knowledge into those kinds of decisions," Milla assured him.

Loki huffed and shook his head. That sounded really fake.

“Will that conversation decide over when I get to leave?” He asked.

Milla looked at him in that special way for a moment and Loki knew her answer before she had even opened her mouth.

“We are not discussing when to release you yet,” She said. Loki swallowed, sending a dull wave of pain through his throat. “So don’t worry, the appointment today won’t be the thing that makes or breaks your future.”

Yeah, Loki was pretty sure about that too. His release was probably far out of reach after the complete meltdown Loki had had just two days prior.

When he had woken up the morning after having had gone to shit, he wasn’t aware of what had happened at all. Sam had been sitting in a chair in the corner of the room, reading some comic book, which he put aside once he realized that Loki was awake.

That was odd enough in itself and got Loki on edge right away. Nurses never just stayed in patient’s rooms, they usually made an effort to keep the thinly veiled illusion of privacy up. So why did he have special surveillance all of a sudden?

Once Loki sat up and looked around, he noticed that Tony wasn’t in his bed- and not just that, the meteor belt of stuff that was scattered around was gone too. The unfolded clothes on the chair, the books on the nightstand, his shoes, his sunglasses…it was like he had never been here at all.

The emptiness hit Loki harder than expected. He had known that he was going to leave soon. But not like this. 

“Wha-“ Loki tried speaking but only a hoarse whisper left his throat and he made a face at the pain it caused him. His throat was tight and sore and when he couldn’t help but stifle a cough, he was taken aback by the agony of it. A pained sound left him, but even that faint whimper was torture. 

“Don’t try to talk just yet," Sam got up from his chair. "You must have messed up your throat pretty badly last night. Do you remember what happened?” Loki watched through the tears in his eyes as Sam sat down on the floor in front of Loki's mattress. Loki’s face shifted into an expression of pain and confusion, his lips trembled and the first tear ran down his cheek as he slowly shook his head. 

Sam sighed and briefly lowered his gaze to the floor before he looked back at Loki. Like he had to brace himself for what he was about to say. 

“You and Tony made out last night and that didn’t turn out so well. Something triggered you and you had a very severe panic attack. You have been screaming a lot so I imagine your throat must be pretty sore," He explained softly. 

Loki tried talking again to ask about Tony but his voice broke. He felt so fucking helpless, unable to even articulate himself. Hot tears spilling from his eyes and freely ran down his cheeks, to gather at his chin and drip down on his hands. 

“Usually in a situation like this one, we would have put you in the time-out room, to give you time to cool down and to keep an eye on you. But putting you in a room that triggers you, after a panic attack, didn’t seem very smart. So, Tony slept in the time-out room tonight. He was picked up very early today, you probably didn’t wake up when he gathered his things because last night we had to inject you with a sedative.”

The small sobs that shook Loki's body were pure agony, like blades in his throat and Loki desperately dug his nails into his skin to stop them, to at least gain enough control over himself to stop the terrible pain. But it was useless. 

He was more helpless than a new-born- a new-born could at least scream to get the world around it moving, but Loki was mute and too weak to even lift a finger.  
“I’m really sorry, Loki. I’m sure Tony would have said goodbye, but it all happened very suddenly. He wasn’t ready for it either. Neither were we, honestly.” Sam sounded angry but not at Loki. At this situation, at Tony being ripped away from the support he needed.

He handed a tissue to Loki, but he didn’t have the strength to get his body to reach out and take it. He just kept on crying, as softly as possible to keep the agony in his throat at bay.

“You should go ahead and eat something,” Sam said.

For a moment Loki didn’t move like he had lost complete control over his body but then with all the strength he had, he managed to give his head a shake.

“Some soup, it won’t upset your throat too much.” 

Loki stayed silent and Sam sighed. “I’ll get someone to get us some tea at least. It'll be good for you.”

Sam didn’t leave the room but instead got one of the other nurses to bring them some tea, which said all about the situation. They didn’t trust Loki to be on his own for even a second and Loki wasn’t yet sure if that was justified or not.

Loki tried hard to think back to what had happened but that black hole in his memory didn’t give anything away, like always. He remembered dancing and smiling, he remembered soft words spoken in the dark and Tony next to him, flustered and wanting… 

Had Tony raped him? Loki hadn’t expected him to do something like that. But nothing was for certain anymore and the little bit of trust that he had developed for his surroundings was gone. 

They had drugged him and put him under surveillance. How was he supposed to know if they didn’t have a go at him as well? Perhaps his throat was sore for another reason than the one he was told. And even if he had screamed- there must have been a reason for that too.

_‘You’ll never be safe. No matter where you go, someone will see you for the whore you are. You are forever tainted and that can never be undone. You would be better off dead.’_

That inner voice was like ice, making him shudder. But it might just tell the truth.

~

“Hello, Loki. I’m Doctor Strange, I’m a leading psychiatrist in the field of children and youth psychiatry. It’s nice to meet you.” The man introduced himself. The man’s ego was perhaps his most prominent trait, so prominent that Loki wondered just why he had chosen this particular job.

After all, this job was all about focusing on others.

The Doctor didn’t offer his hand and Loki assumed it was to not trigger him. And it was for the better, even though Loki was mildly offended. He preferred not to be touched at all these days, especially not by some self-assured prick.

Loki didn’t answer, only sat down on the chair in front of the man’s desk and crossed his arms over his chest. He watched as the man picked up a thin folder and skimmed over its content before he put it down and looked at Loki directly. 

“It says here that you’ve experienced amnesia two days ago. Has that ever happened to you before?” Strange leaned back in his chair, his eyes resting on Loki. He was obviously curious and Loki began to realize what made this the right job for him: He liked the challenge to find out what was really going on in a person’s mind.

But Loki didn’t want anyone to know what was happening in his brain. He didn’t want to be dissected and categorized. Perhaps it was the fear of being told that he was incurable. Of knowing for sure that he was broken and that happiness was forever out fo reach for him.

The fear slowed him down and he couldn’t come up with an answer quickly enough. The man had already picked up a pen and started taking notes.

“I’ll take that hesitation as a yes,” He said indifferently while writing. His calm voice didn’t even raise one bit as he dared rip one of Loki’s most precious secrets from him. Loki glared at him from across the table but didn’t break his silence yet. “How often does it happen?”

“Often,” Loki pressed his lips together as soon as he had spoken. He didn’t want to make it even easier for this man to reach within his head and take everything he wanted from it but the truth was that the revelation of that first secret had cracked something within Loki. The part of him that was determined to keep these struggles to the grave had taken a blow and suddenly the weight of all those secrets, all this fear made his knees buckle.

“Like once a month, once a week, once a day, multiple times per day?” The doctor asked, tapping the pen against his chin.

“The latter.” Loki had expected to be able to shock the Doctor by saying that, but he seemed entirely unimpressed like this was the answer he had expected anyways. Loki was starting to fucking hate that guy for his indifference. But he was growing weaker by the second. Talking about it felt good in a bad way and he simply couldn’t stop now that he had started.

“And how long does the amnesia last usually? A few minutes, a few hours, the whole day?”

“Pretty long. Sometimes just an hour. Other times the whole day,” Loki admitted.

Strange looked at him knowingly, like he had Loki all figured out within a few short minutes. It made Loki angry. Loki had been living in this hell for as long as he could remember but to Strange, he must be nothing more than a puzzle, a disappointingly easy one at that. A case to move on from once it had been solved. Unremarkable.

“When did that start?”

This time Loki fought the urge to answer and stayed stubbornly silent, turning his head to look out of the window. The silence hung heavily in the room for at least a minute, before Strange sighed softly and put his pen aside.

“It’s pretty scary isn’t it, Loki?” Strange’s tone had changed, to be slightly warmer and surprisingly understanding. Which only infuriated Loki further. This man didn’t have the slightest idea what it was like. But he continued despite Loki’s icy silence. “Blinking without having any idea how much time has passed or what has happened. I can imagine how difficult it must be to talk about it, to admit that there’s a problem. But I might be able to help you with it once you do.”

“You can’t,” Loki’s voice was tight. Don’t fucking cry now, he told himself and dug his nails into his palms. Don’t fucking cry. “This has been going on for…as long as I can remember. And I’m not fucking dead yet, so why don’t you just leave me alone?”

“You got pretty close a week ago.” Strange pointed out softly.

Loki huffed, too wet, too sharp, too much like a sob and looked down into his lap, where his bandaged hands were lying.

“Not close enough,” The words slipped out before he could help it and Loki could have slapped himself for saying that. He would never set a foot outside again if he kept being so fucking stupid all the time.

But there was no reaction from Strange, he didn’t even pick up his pen again to make a note.

“How was your childhood, Loki?” Strange didn’t seem to be keen on exploring Loki’s latent suicidality any further and instead changed the topic in a not very elegant way.

“Fuck you.” The words came out sharp but brittle and Strange seemed completely unimpressed.

“I’ll just assume that means bad,” He said while writing. “Speak up if my assumption is wrong.”

Loki stayed quiet. 

After how nice and understanding all the nurses had been, never pushing or pressuring him, he was completely taken aback by how brusque this man treated him. He had already gotten soft, Loki realized. How could he be so hurt by someone being slightly indifferent towards him, when a week ago he was screamed and shouted at every single day.

“If you work along with me now, I’ll have a talk to the nurses about visitation rights.” Strange offered, lifting a brow. “There was this Clint guy who wrote you an e-mail, he could come by for an hour or so.”

Loki looked up at Strange for the first time since he had asked him about when his amnesia started. And as soon as their eyes met, a smile played around Strange’s lips. This smug bastard knew that he got Loki hooked now. 

Loki didn’t want to be so easy. But he was lonely, and if he had never done anything right in his life, he wanted to at least apologise to Clint for what he had done, while he still had the chance. Who knew how often they got to see each other in the uncertain future that lay ahead of both of them.

“Alright, let’s try again. Does the amnesia take place at set times, or are there certain things triggering it?”

Loki took a deep breath and looked away once more.

“Sometimes it’s set times, like for meals," Loki began and took a deep breath. "Eating is difficult for me, I don’t know why…but I black out and when I wake up again, I notice that I have cooked and eaten. But sometimes it works through triggers. Like when I was picked up to get raped.” Loki briefly looked over to see if Strange was going to flinch or if there would be a moment of shock on his face but his expression remained completely neutral. 

“So, while you’re gone you seem to function normally? Perhaps even better than you would have on your own?”

“Well enough,” Loki shrugged. “Things have worked out so far. But sometimes things go wrong…like two days ago.”

“Do you hear voices sometimes?”

Loki huffed clearly offended. “I’m not fucking crazy.”

“I’m not implying that you are,” Strange said. “My views are a little more nuanced than crazy and not-crazy. If you heard voices, I wouldn’t just assume that you have a psychosis. It can be a symptom for many things and not as uncommon as people think.”

“I do,” Loki whispered sounding defeated. “But…it’s just an inner voice. Everyone has an inner voice, there’s nothing weird about it, right?” 

Loki didn’t mean to sound so desperate towards the end. He was getting closer and closer to a point of no return, the years he spent avoiding to look at the growing abyss in the middle of his brain were coming to an end and he was so fucking scared of it. His injured wrists ached as he pressed his nails deeper into the palms of his hands.

“Look at me Loki,” He patiently waited until Loki looked at him again. “Take a deep breath in and a breath out. That’s good. We’re done already. This is all that I need to know for the moment being.” Loki released a shaky breath, relieved to hear that it was finally over, that he would not have to struggle through any more questions.  
“I will call a friend of mine who is an expert for the kind of cases that you just described and he will talk to you about it in more depth.” Strange looked at Loki for a while and his neutral expression softened.

“You’ll be okay Loki. I promise you this isn’t as bad as it must seem to you now. In fact, that talk has been quite reassuring to me, because it ruled out a few very dangerous possibilities. Sometimes talking really is better than keeping it to yourself. So if you ever do decide to open up to someone, please don’t count on me but ask one of the nurses. I promise they are better with this than I am.”

Strange offered him an almost apologetic smile and Loki scoffed. At least he was self-aware enough to know that he was a jerk. And somehow that made Loki hate him slightly less.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well....it sure looks like after ten chapters Loki is getting _close_ to finding out what is going on! 
> 
> Let me know what you think of the chapter and of course Happy Easter to you!


	5. Clarity

“Do you know when they’ll let you out?” Clint asked, looking at Loki intently, waiting for him to answer. Due to his partial deafness, he always looked at others directly when they talked, which made him seem more confident than he really was. 

Sometimes it wasn’t easy to stand the gaze of his clear eyes and Loki had to look away frequently, his own eyes wandered restlessly through the room as they spoke.  
Clint looked good today, which might just be another reason why Loki was hesitant to look at him directly. He was wearing normal clothing, a shirt and jeans, instead of the uniform gym clothes Loki knew him in. The bruises marring what could be seen on his skin were green with yellow on the edges, no longer black and blue and even in the brief time since their release, his ashen skin had tanned noticeably giving it a faint golden glow.

But Clint’s steel-blue eyes still looked haunted, his expression was tense even when he smiled. And during breaks in their conversation, he kept looking over his shoulders to check for potential danger creeping up on him.

He had gotten Loki flowers. Because it’s spring outside and they smell nice and everything, Clint had explained. Which was a ridiculous way of lowballing the large bouquet he had brought here.

The blue plastic carafe in front of them could barely contain the wild, unapologetic mess of colours, shapes, and smells. Tulips red, pink and orange, daffodils glowing like pure light, Iris in deepest amethyst and tall branches sprouting cherry and apple blossoms, whose petals were fragile and silken to the touch. 

It was a silent cry of victory against years of bleak walls, stale food and artificial light. A testimony of nature’s strength to bloom after a long winter. 

For a fragile moment they had both been close to crying after Clint had handed the bouquet over. But neither of them addressed it and so it passed by.

They sat together in the room where usually art therapy took place. The actual visitation room had not been an option because of the camera in the corner. The staff had been wary about leaving them alone without any kind of supervision but Strange had chimed in and gave his explicit okay, as well as saying that he would take responsibility for everything. Which made up for quite a lot of his assholey-ness during their last talk.

“No idea. I think at this point it’s open-end for me. I lost my cool a few times…they probably aren’t inclined to let me leave. But they said that usually, they don’t let anyone stay for longer than four weeks.”

“Shit,” Clint sounded sympathetic. He probably wouldn’t understand that Loki kind of liked this place. “And…well, have they figured out what you…got?” Clint was unsure of how to formulate his question like he expected Loki to break at the first bit of discomfort. And it was, in fact, uncomfortable, but Loki should have expected that Clint knew that there was a lot going on in his head and that his attempted suicide was only the tip of the iceberg.

“They act like they do. But they didn’t tell me yet. It’s just that I get this amnesia-“ Loki shouldn’t be talking about this. He was still scared of being labeled incurably insane and being locked away somewhere but he was also scared of the condition in general. It left him so helpless and out of control, and he was sick of that. He almost died and it wasn’t even _him_ who made the decision to take that step.

“I know. Sometimes you don’t remember things that happened like five minutes ago. But you also act wildly different at times.” 

That was shocking. For some reason, Loki had always assumed that no one noticed a difference when he had amnesia. He had always returned to find that things had gone alright, so he had guessed that he must have acted pretty much the same way as he usually would have.

“What? Different how?” He asked, dreading the answer already.

“Well, for starters you’re a lot nicer by the beginning of the meal.” Clint smiled crookedly. “You don’t talk a lot then but when you do it’s really soft, and you smile a lot. Like the polite, friendly kind of smile not because you’re happy. And you blush really easily and always say thank you and please. And then you stare into the distance for a while and you’re back to being cool and reserved and can’t remember what we have been talking about five minutes ago.”

“What the hell.”

“Once there was chocolate pudding with the meal,” Clint went on. “And you basically inhaled the entire thing, all while looking at us warily like you’ve never seen us before. And when we asked you what was going on, you only said that you liked chocolate, but in that really odd voice. Like you were pretending to talk like a kid- but it didn’t sound like you were pretending. We thought you were messing with us.”

Loki stayed silent then. He didn’t remember that at all. The chasm that he had always avoided to look into was yawning right beneath him now. Something was seriously wrong with him. He never had thought that it was that bad.

“Do you remember our conversation before you went to the bathroom to…you know.” Clint’s smile had disappeared, and a scared urgency was in his voice. Like he was desperate for an answer but also worried about what Loki might say and what it would do to them.

Loki slowly shook his head. What the hell had he done?

“I don’t even remember my way to the shelter,” Loki said earnestly, Clint’s desperation was mirrored in his own tone. “I only remember being here all of a sudden in the middle of the night. I swear, whatever I said I don’t remember it.”

“You were just really cold. Hostile. That’s all. It felt like I wasn’t even talking to you,” Clint ran his hand through his short hair and for a moment he broke eye contact. “And I should have known that something was wrong. But I didn’t say anything. And then suddenly they had to call an ambulance and carried you out of the building.”  
“I’m sorry,” Loki said. “I made things worse for all of you on a day that was bad enough as it was. Fuck. I didn’t want to hurt you…but I genuinely don’t remember. I would have never- I don’t know why I did anyway.” 

Loki stumbled over his own words and then stopped, shaking his head. He couldn’t express what he wanted to say, the regret, the fear and most of all the confusion was too big. They both stayed silent for a while after that. And a realization dawned on him. He needed to figure this shit out. There was no longer a way around it.  
But not right now. Right now, he couldn’t stand to think about it for a moment longer. 

“But how about you?” Loki asked, changing the topic. They had a limited amount of time after all and so much to talk about. “And the others? How are they doing?”

“Well, the group has kind of fallen apart,” Clint appeared lost now. For the whole conversation, he had been okay but now it seemed like he was falling. “Natalya and Yelena have returned to Saint Petersburg already. Wanda is in a specialised institution outside of the city, she will probably return to Romania once she is stable enough. And James was picked up yesterday by a relative of his. Everything happened really quickly. A man named Pierce had all the necessary papers and apparently some compelling arguments too because they let him take James almost immediately. I hope he’s a good guy who means well- but my gut is really telling me something else.”

Loki didn’t expect them to stay friends and meet up for coffee every week- but he also hadn’t expected for them to fall apart as quickly as they had. To be fair he hadn’t had the time to expect much of anything yet…but this was truly shocking to him. 

He tried to detach himself. Friendships weren’t meant to last in his life. And what kind of friendship was it? They had been locked up and abused together. The connection they had had in the basement was not meant to last in the outside world. It was the same with Tony, whom he had felt so close to for a few days- and now he was gone and it was over. Soon Clint and he would drift apart too. It didn’t matter. It didn’t matter at all.

“Uhm and as to the adults,” Clint continued, already having rebuilt some of his façade. “Rumlow, Rollins, Sarkissian…all of those are in jail and facing charges for…well for a lot of things really. I don’t believe there’s a lawyer on this planet that could help them out of this mess. The evidence is quite crushing. But they never captured Zola, he killed himself minutes after the first explosion. That’s exactly the kind of coward I took him for, so that’s not actually a surprise.”

“What about En Dwi?” Loki asked quietly, like he was worried about even saying that name out loud.

Clint’s expression turned dark within seconds, like ink that had been dropped into a glass of water. 

“There was no production on that day, so he wasn’t in the house and none of his people were either. They don’t have the slightest clue about where he is. That’s why they keep asking us about him. I don’t assume he gave you an address, a phone number, a link to his Instagram?” Clint asked, his voice dripping with bitter irony.

“I can’t remember…” Loki tugged on his fingers, trying to push away the thought. 

Clint’s lips twitched, like he was about to say something, but he shook his head, to get rid of whatever he had been thinking. 

“What?” Loki asked.

“Nothing.”

“I’m fucking tired of not knowing what’s going on,” Loki was impatient. He didn't want to be confused all the time. “Tell me. I can handle it. And if I can’t, I’m in the right place already.”

Clint groaned. “Geez. Your logic is absolutely killing me Loki. I was just…I just wondered if you remembered the shoot we had together? With En Dwi.”  
“We had a shoot?” Loki asked dumbly, his brows knitting together in a frown.

“We did. I really, really don’t want to get into the details. I kind of already figured that you wouldn’t remember. It’s better that way, believe me.”

They both stayed silent for a long time after that, avoiding to look at each other. But the clock’s ticking on the wall served as a reminder to Loki that their time was limited. He envied Clint who probably couldn’t hear that unrelenting click-click-click.

“You didn’t tell me how you’re doing,” Loki pointed out. “Do you know where you will be going after this?”

“Well…I’m alive. Can’t say I’m too great, honestly. They’re trying to get me into therapy, but I can’t really imagine that working out for me. Sitting down and talking about my problems- I don’t see how that would help me. I think it’s best to just move on.” Clint took a deep breath and Loki got the feeling that he wasn’t entirely convinced by what he was saying. 

“At one point while we were in that hellhole, I turned eighteen, so now I can actually do everything I want. I’ll probably get a job. Maybe I can work at a circus again. Or as a clown on birthday parties.” 

“You’re not a clown Clint,” Loki said seriously. “Clowns are supposed to be funny.”

At that Clint laughed and Loki smiled, because it was good to see those blue eyes brightening for just a second. He loved the sight of that. 

For a few seconds, they enjoyed that moment. But then Clint turned serious again. 

“I missed you Loki. I can’t even imagine how much I’d miss you if you had been really gone. Please just…take care, okay?”

~

If Milla had been right about one thing, it was that things here went very slow. There were no phones or laptops which left them playing board games like in the old times, or to sit in the garden and read or draw. 

It was quiet here, even though the clinic was supposedly quite close to Helsinki’s city center. B the thick hedges and trees kept the noise and any curious eyes out and gave the place a peaceful atmosphere without making it feel like a prison.

The only thing that changed very frequently were the faces in the ward. Every few days someone left and soon enough another kid in crisis entered, got stabilized, stayed a few days and left. It was an endless circle.

But for someone who kept mostly to himself, Loki was very well accepted among the everchanging group of people. The kids might be going through some shit, just like Loki himself, but most of them were very kind and often they were funny too, making jokes to help distract themselves and others from the situation they were in.

But whatever had happened with Tony had set Loki back significantly and he still had not completely recovered from it. The hesitant trust that had begun to reach out into the world had flinched back, cowered up into the tiniest corner inside. Any and all touch was close to unbearable to Loki and he was often anxious and distrustful, both towards the other patients and the nurses. 

After the night with Tony the clinic wasn’t as safe of a space as it had been before- the fear that he had been taken advantage of by the people who claimed to protect him was still lingering and there was nothing that could prove it wrong. 

But he was not forgotten in here at least. Clint sent e-mails so regularly, that they had to give him a folder to put them inside. Loki liked that, he liked the idea of having something that belonged to him.

When he had gotten here, he owned nothing. Of course, they told him that he could keep the clothes they had given him, but they still didn’t feel like they were his own. Just like the clothes in the basement, they were just pieces of fabric covering his body, nothing that reflected who he was in any way.

There had been some drama happening, because every now and again patients complained that some of their belongings were missing and at one point everything was found in the drawer of Loki’s bedside table.

It was a small collection of colourful or shiny things. It didn’t seem to depend on the actual worth of the object, so the accusation that he was trying to steal to enrich himself had to be dropped. There was a lid from a shampoo bottle, a small necklace, a hair tie, a pen, a purple bobby pin, a sock, a candy wrapper and a pair of sunglasses among other things.

The girl with the necklace had been quite angry, even as Loki swore that he had never been to her room at all and if so, he wouldn’t even look at her stupid necklace. But in the end, after a long talk with Strange, he had to admit that it may have been him and that he needed to take responsibility, even if he didn’t remember taking these things. 

In the end, the girl even let him have the necklace, even though he had no use for it. She gave it to him as a present before she left and insisted that he should keep it. In fact Loki got to keep most of the things and was even gifted some more. Except for the sunglasses, he had to give those back. The boy they belonged to said he was sorry, but he needed them, or else his mum would get really mad because she just bought them for him.

It was about half a week since his conversation with Strange, that Doctor Banner came to talk to him. Strange had introduced them to each other briefly in his office and then soon left them, because he was such an important man and didn’t have any time because he had many important things to do around here. Bla bla bla. 

He stayed alone with the other Doctor after Strange had left the room, keeping his arms crossed tightly over his chest. Banner offered him tea, but Loki refused.

“Well, did Steph- did Doctor Strange tell you at all why he thinks that we should talk to each other?” Bruce asked. His tone was gentle, everything about him made him seem soft and kind, without coming across as fake. That might just be the reason that Loki had agreed to be left alone with this stranger altogether. He was very non-threatening. 

“He told me that you were an expert,” Loki said. “And that you might know what’s wrong with me.”

At that Banner laughed unexpectedly and shook his head, making the dark curls framing his face bounce. 

“He said I’m an expert?” Bruce said disbelieving and ran a hand over his face. “Well, in a way that’s true. But not by profession, if that’s what you think. I have a few PhD’s but I’m no medical doctor. I work as a chemist and physicist.” 

At that Loki frowned. If the man had nothing to do with psychiatry or psychology, then how was he supposed to help him? Was this a joke? Or worse yet, a trap?

“Did Doctor Strange tell you anything at all about what he thinks your diagnosis is?” Bruce continued to ask and Loki didn’t have time to fall down the rabbit hole of his anxiety. Or rather his anxiety was now completely focused on the word ‘diagnosis’. The big answer to the question of what the fuck was wrong with him. 

Loki shook his head because his voice would tremble. In fact, it felt like his entire core was flickering and shaking, thinking of what he would have to face now.  
Banner sighed and took off his glasses to rub his eyes for a few seconds. 

“I will have to talk to him about this, he’s impossible at times.” Another sigh and then Bruce put his glasses back on and looked at Loki directly. “Well, it is likely that you have something called dissociative identity disorder. Have you ever heard of that before?”

“Like in the movie Split?” Loki’s anxiety was through the roof now. Wasn’t the guy in the movie a dangerous madman?

“Yes…but that’s not a very good point for reference, really.” Bruce winced, not seeming to like the mention of that movie. “Please try to forget the entire plot of the movie but keep the general idea of what it portrayed. Multiple alters living in a body. Just focus on that and forget about the murdering people aspect.”

Loki nodded but it was hard to do what Bruce told him to. The murderer-aspect seemed to be quite central to the whole thing.

“So you’ve got a general idea, which is good at least,” Bruce continued. “Well, it seems like you have that disorder. And the reason I’m talking to you is because I do as well.”

Out of all the things that Banner could have said, this was probably the most shocking he could have come up with. Loki’s mouth was gaping for a few moments before he got a hold of his facial expression. He took a closer look at the man sitting in front of him now. He seemed so normal. Kind, stable and confident. And from what he heard he even had a job. A life. 

“I’ll just go ahead and tell you something about myself, to help clear things up. I might get into a few technicalities here and there, I am a scientist, after all, I can’t really help it…” Banner chuckled. “But it’s probably good to know for you. It’s harder to get scared by something that you understand.” Loki had his doubts about that statement. Some pits were deep enough that no light could ever reach its bottom. 

“But if you need a break, at any point for whatever reason, let me know okay?” Bruce waited for Loki to confirm that he had understood with a nod before he went on.   
“DID begins in childhood, before the age of nine. You see…during that time the personality is still developing. Once that development is over, personality can still change and trauma can still take damage but it can’t be…broken anymore. I hate to use the word broken because it implies that something is wrong-“ Bruce shook his head regretfully and stayed quiet for a few seconds. 

Loki got the feeling that this was as difficult for the man as it was for him. Which was oddly comforting. 

“Well to get to the point. If a child experiences repeated trauma during this time and has the inherent ability to dissociate to a high level, it might create alters.”  
Loki shifted uncomfortably in his chair. So that was why Strange has asked him about his childhood. Things started to fall into place bit by bit and formed a picture that Loki couldn’t yet recognize.

“The child might create someone who can endure a situation, that it could not survive on its own,” Bruce explained. “It’s a survival tactic and one of the most fascinating ones on the planet, really. An alter is created, to keep the trauma memory and allow the child to move on with life, without breaking down. Or to complete tasks that the child couldn’t do on its own. There are walls of amnesia separating the alters, so they have different memories and thus develop different character traits, preferences, and dislikes.”

Banner had appeared calm and confident up to this point but now he had started fidgeting and he avoided Loki’s gaze for a few seconds.

“For me, that happened when…my father started drinking after he lost his job. He started to beat me and my mother. He was so angry all the time…I learned that anger was bad and tried to never be angry myself. I didn’t want to be like him, not even one bit. And one night he went too far. He killed my mother. Almost killed me too.” 

The room was entirely too silent once Bruce had shared that heavy truth about himself. Loki was shocked not just because of what a terrible truth it was, but because Banner chose to tell him something so personal. 

Helping Loki must be important enough for him, to open up about that dark memory. Loki wasn’t used to being trusted, wasn’t used to being worth so much. It left him speechless for a minute before he pulled himself together.

“I’m sorry,” Loki whispered, unsure of what else to say. The words were tiny, insignificant in the face of such tragedy but Bruce seemed to be grateful for them all the same. He smiled at Loki sadly.

“Thank you, Loki. It’s kind of you to say that.” Bruce said. Another moment of silence passed before he continued to talk.

“I felt so helpless and weak that night, there was absolutely nothing I could do. I couldn’t protect my mother, or myself. I was both incredibly scared and angry at the same time. It was so traumatizing that my mind created an alter to handle the feeling of powerlessness,” Bruce seemed to be very aware of the situation, the way he talked about it, it all seemed so clear. But Loki could guess that it hadn’t always been that simple and obvious. 

“Now most alters are human, but they don’t have to be. And the reason for that is, that a lot of them are created by a child’s mind. So, for me, a seven-year-old, I wished I could be something so big and so strong that no one could hurt me anymore. And all the anger I never allowed myself to feel became part of that alter. He was called the Hulk. It’s okay, you can laugh. I know the name is kind of stupid, but he came up with it on his own.”

Loki didn’t feel much like laughing, even as Banner smiled at him.

“For a while that worked out for me. I could move on from the trauma, but as you can imagine, or as you may have experienced yourself, there were a few problems resulting from that. As fascinating as this survival mechanism as it is, it can also be very hard to live with, especially if you don’t know what’s going on. The Hulk was triggered by my emotions, so whenever I got angry, he felt like this was his cue to go out and wreck absolutely everything in his path. I don’t know how it’s possible that he could wreak so much havoc when I myself was such a weakling but just that sheer determination and rage seemed to work as fuel and whenever I woke up again, I’d find myself in the center of chaos and destruction.”

Now it was Banner’s turn to swallow heavily and he looked at Loki, assessing his reaction to make sure that the younger was still okay to go on listening to him. 

“I hurt people. Got in trouble with the law. And there’s no excuse for that. Since then I did all I could to make up for it. But I had no understanding and no control of the situation and at that point and I hated myself, I was scared too. I thought of myself as a monster…and I tried to kill myself. A lot of people with DID attempt suicide at one point, unfortunately, the same is true for you. But I survived. I survived because Hulk dragged the dying body over to our neighbours house and called for help. He saved us.”

Bruce took a moment at that point, allowing Loki to understand how important that part of the story was. But Loki wasn’t sure how that could apply to him. His alters didn’t try to save him. They had tried to fucking kill him.

“I got to the point where I realized that it wasn’t fair to hate him. And that it wouldn’t get either of us anywhere. It took me a long time to understand that part of myself and to allow him the time and space to heal and get better too,” Bruce went on. “We both went through therapy and put in a lot of work to understand each other…and at one point we integrated. Integration is…it happens sometimes when two alters turn into one. Then you’re neither one or the other anymore but both, with all the memories that the two alters had. Like mixing two colours. For us, it was the right thing and it happened naturally on its own. I used to be painfully shy and insecure, while Hulk knew no boundaries. Now that we are one…we are at a pretty good point in life.”

Lok had to take a moment to digest what he had just heard. Some of it reminded him of himself. Other things didn’t. 

“So…the point is to integrate all alters and then I can go back to being normal?” Loki asked, lifting a brow.

“No, it’s not. There's no such thing has healing DID. Alters can't just be removed through therapy or integration,” Bruce said. “And integration is very individual. It might be the right step for some people on their journey, but you have to remember these alters have a reason and a right to exist. They’ve allowed you to survive but to get better you need to accept that they are people too. With emotions and wishes and fears. And they often carry a heavy burden and a lot of pain that you know nothing about. Sometimes it’s good to have that trauma split up on multiple people, rather than one person having to deal with it all on his own. In a way, every alter is trying to help, even if it doesn’t always seem that way.”

Loki scoffed and Bruce lifted a brow. 

“You’re right. It doesn’t feel that way at all to me,” Loki said with a dry chuckle.

Banner looked at Loki sympathetically and this time around Loki could stand to be looked at this way, even if all that sympathy often tended to make him uneasy. But Bruce at least had somewhat of a clue. 

“Do you know how many you are in your system?” Bruce asked gently.

“System? Is that how you call it?” Loki snorted. It seemed like there was a whole lingo around this stupid disease. System, alter, integrating…it made it all feel like a huge deal. Which it might just be.

“Yes. Because that’s what you are. It would be wrong to refer to you as one person when speaking about all of you because that would make the others feel like they are nothing.” Bruce said. “And you’ll see that it will help to think of yourself as a system now. It makes sense.”

Loki scoffed. He was the _real_ Loki. This was _his_ life, his body, his everything and now he was supposed to pretend like it was not because an illness fucked up his mind? No way. His life was messed up enough as it was, he wouldn’t let this bit of normalcy be taken from him too.

“Well, you’ve got time to think about it,” Bruce added seemingly sensing Loki’s resistance and not pushing against it. “But back to my question, do you know how many alters you have? I only had one, but most people have more.”

“Not really…” Loki took a moment to think about it. “But definitely more than one. Perhaps two? Maybe three.” 

“Was it an alter that tried to end your life?” Bruce asked gently.

Loki couldn’t answer. There was a lump in his throat when he tried, and he pressed his lips together tightly. Don’t cry. He was crying way too much already these days.

“I’ll have a talk with Stephen,” Bruce said softly. “They don’t do therapy here which makes things complicated…but we will find a solution. I can recommend a few people that know how to treat DID. Therapy will help a lot. But in the meantime, try to be kind to yourself. Be kind to all of you.”

It was then that Loki lost his fight and the tears did start to fall freely from his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's a pretty long chapter, but shortening it was just about impossible for me. I hope you still enjoyed reading! 
> 
> Comments never fail to make my day :)


	6. Torn

Bit by bit, Loki gathered possessions, things that were _his_. When in the beginning he had only had Clint’s letters and the odd objects he seemed to be collecting in his drawer, he now had a diary and some clothes too. 

The diary was a gift from Bruce, who told him that it might be a good way to start on orientating himself on how often he switched, for how long and maybe even on who was in the system with him. At first, it was nothing but depressing. At the end of the day, he wrote down how many blackouts he had had as well as an estimate on how long he had been gone for each time. 

It was boring and didn’t give him any new insight, except for making it easier for him to track how much time he lost each day. Around five hours every day. Seeing those numbers filled Loki with dread and he stopped his entries after just a few days. Stupid Bruce, pretending like he knew anything, just because he had one alter. Who knew how many people were hiding up in Loki’s brain? 

But then something happened. There was a message waiting inside of the notebook for him inside one day, that was definitely not his own handwriting. While Loki’s handwriting was a mess of sharp edges, scrawled closely together, the words were written in cursive, round with small circles as dots. 

_‘Important: Marie said that she will be released on Thursday. If you are reading this, remember to say goodbye if I’m not present when she leaves.’_

Loki had been mortified upon finding the message. He had slowly inched closer towards realizing what was wrong with him, he had gotten a diagnosis and a rather in-depth explanation and Clint’s observations were in line with what both Strange and Banner had been saying. 

But this was the final proof, black on white, with no space for doubt. And he hadn't been ready for that after all.

Loki didn’t touch the book for another few days after that and avoided thinking about it at all. But in time he remembered what he had promised himself during that conversation with Clint- he really needed to figure this out. And there was no real excuse to avoid facing his demons any longer- for Loki assumed that it must be demons lurking within him, just waiting to bring him down.

But he couldn’t have been more wrong than that and soon enough he had to realize that. Slowly but surely the notebook became a platform for regular exchange between him and a person who claimed to be called Sigyn. What started as being utterly terrifying to Loki, became something interesting, comforting even as the time passed.

Sigyn apparently was more aware of their situation than him, because instead of being disoriented and afraid like him, she seemed to be rather excited about their conversations and eager to learn about Loki and all the details of their life that she had missed. 

It turned out that Sigyn had been the one responsible for cooking, eating and tending to injuries. All the things that Loki assumed happened automatically, were her doing. And it felt stupid to think of her as a demon, or as a leech taking away his normal life after he realized what she was doing for him. 

But that didn’t mean that Loki liked the idea of sharing his life and his brain. But Sigyn made it hard to hate her.

When the ward’s social worker had managed to organize some money from child protective services for him and he was allowed to go online shopping for clothes, Loki had even made sure that Sigyn got the chance to select something she liked for herself. She picked a flowy, cream coloured linen shirt and some sandals, as well as a corny bracelet the one with a small tree in a ring of metal. 

Loki would have never ordered this for himself and he cringed at the idea of even wearing it. But he supposed that she had been very considerate already by not selecting a dress, so he confirmed the order and let her have it. Especially since she had been so grateful and excited at the chance of selecting something that was going to be her own.

Still Loki barely owned anything at all, his entire possessions fit into a large bag with ease and the budget he had for himself was designed to only cover the most dire expenses. 

But Loki’s situation changed drastically, when one day, about two weeks after he had been admitted to the hospital, he received a thick envelope. 

It was already opened when he got it. Everything that entered the ward was checked first for anything that might be physically or mentally damaging. And this apparently was cleared, even though Sam’s expression was serious when he handed him the letter.

“Let’s just say…it’s kind of a lot to unpack. Might be quite overwhelming,” Sam said. “So, if you want to talk to one of us about it, you know where to find us.”

Loki nodded his head warily and waited for Sam to leave the room, before looking down at the letter. The hand holding it was trembling. Loki read the name on the white, heavy paper and had to close his eyes to take a few deep breaths. 

Anthony Edward Stark.

Why on earth was Tony writing him a letter? 

But his curiosity outweighed his suspicion and he reached into the envelope to pull out the first paper. It too felt very expensive to the touch, like Tony had wanted to make sure that Loki knew that this was important. As Loki’s eyes scanned across the paper, Loki’s trembling fingers slowly grew numb.

_Dear Loki,_

_Saying that I messed up is a massive understatement at this point. Not just because of that evening but because I didn’t reach out to you sooner. I shouldn’t have waited so long to give you the apology and the explanation you clearly deserve._

_But to defend myself, things have been a bit turbulent. I’m back in rehab. They say three ist he charm, right?_

_To be honest, I didn’t have the courage to write you this on my own. My therapist here helped me with sorting some things out and with some formulations, so if the therapist-talk comes across as a little stiff, forgive me. But I definitely mean everything I’m about to write._

_First off, I was an ass for thinking that making out was a good idea in the first place. There’s a reason why one of the rules says to have no physical contact to other patients. I thought it was just a bullshit rule to avoid teen pregnancies…but I clearly didn’t take things seriously enough. We were in crisis treatment and not in summer camp- I just didn’t really want to think about it._

_And I genuinely like you. A lot even. And I thought there was nothing wrong with having a good evening in the middle of a difficult time. I didn’t even expect anything beyond a kiss and some cuddles or so, I swear. And if you wouldn’t have wanted that I would have backed off right away._

_I’m not saying that to make myself look good and put the blame on you, but I don’t want there to be any space for misunderstanding._

_You told me that you have bouts of amnesia, so I’m going to tell you things from my perspective. If you remember anyways, don’t think I’m treating you like you’re an idiot, I just want us to be on the same page._

_So, we went back to our room after you absolutely slayed me in Just Dance. And I knew that I would have to leave the next day so I thought to myself: Go ahead Tony, shoot your shoot, this is the only chance you will ever have to get close to one of the most beautiful and amazing people you’ll ever meet in your entire life._

_So, I did. There was a little bit of flirting and I touched your leg over the blanket. To me, everything seemed very tame and sweet. I really liked it. And then everything went from zero to a hundred in less than a minute._

_You kissed me and then sucked me off without any further ado. And then you started talking about someone called En Dwi and begged me for help and then you had a very bad panic attack._

_And I’m not trying to guilt-trip you there, but everything really sucked for me. I had to leave the clinic before breakfast and so I got exactly zero closure, that’s probably part of what made that evening so haunting to me._

_It felt like I had done something terrible, I felt in the role of an abuser even though I never wanted to be- but at the same time, I felt like a victim too. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. But I didn’t consent to you doing that to me and it felt violating._

_I couldn’t process it and I couldn’t get closure by talking to you, so that letter will have to do for now. And now is the right point for another apology._

_I did some research, more than I should have, to get a grip on the situation and stumbled across a few newspaper articles and some police files._

_What happened makes a little more sense to me now and I hope that you and whoever else I was talking to that evening is alright. As alright as can be at least._

_In hindsight, I could have guessed…but back then I had no idea that you had trauma like that. That evening probably did at least as much damage to you as it did to me._

_Now you’re probably wondering what all that other paper stuff in the envelope is, or if you’ve already looked at it you must be reading this letter thinking: What the fuck Tony?_

_There are some business cards, one belongs to a lawyer I trust. He’s a good person and he will definitely help you if you ever need legal support. I’m not really new to the mental health sector, so I’ve got a lot of insider info. One is a place dealing with trauma patients, they’re not quite a clinic but offer way more support and backup than living groups do. I’ve heard really amazing things about this place, you can check out the website all the information is on the flyer I sent you._

_Also, there’s a business card belonging to a bank. My family is with them and they never miss an opportunity to lick my father’s boots so if you call that number and tell them I gave it to you they’ll be begging to care for your finances. They won’t rip you off and will explain everything you will ever need to know about the world of finances- if they show the slightest sign of annoyance at any given point, just find a subtle way to mention that I’m your friend and you’ll be fine._

_From everything you told me and what I read about you, I assume that you don’t have a lot of finances that anyone could care for. Which brings me to the last bit of paper. It’s some money in cash and a cheque._

_This is definitely not a pity gift, or a way to make you owe me anything, or to buy my way out of this. You just fucking deserve to not be dependent on anyone and to be able to build up your life. It’ll probably be difficult enough without having to worry about money._

_You might be inclined to not accept the money because you’re super proud and that’s really cool about you. But I just want to tell you: just take it. Don’t make things hard on yourself for no reason. Just think of this as luck being on your side, as me being a stupid spoiled rich kid throwing money around, or whatever helps you to accept this._

_You deserve to have something good coming your away._

_I’d really like to hear from you again, just to know that you’re okay but don’t feel obliged. I get it if you don't want to answer me. But if there’s anything I might be able to help you with in the future let me know. I’m good with computers and stuff, so I can help if you forgot your Microsoft password and can’t get into your account or are stuck on your physics homework :)_

_All the best,_

_Tony_

Loki’s numb hands put the letter aside and he emptied the envelope. Besides the business cards and the flyer, there were ten green 100 Euro bills that looked perfectly new as well as a cheque over 500.000 Euro.

The cheque was printed on special paper, with a lot of numbers and a watermark on it, and the signature of a certain Maria Stark in the right bottom corner made the check valid.

 _‘You really are going to let him buy you like a whore.’_ The voice in Loki’s mind was cutting and cruel and he looked up from the piece of paper in his hands. He knew her by now, she was giving her opinion on matters more frequently in the past days. Especially when something good was happening to him. _‘It would seem fitting for you, you are weak after all. But you must be disgusting even yourself now.’_

“Shut up,” Loki mumbled and put away the cheque, to rub his face. His mouth was dry and his head felt tight like another person had squeezed inside, trying hard to push him out of his own brain. 

_‘He could be lying, and no one would be able to tell,’_ the woman argued. _’Perhaps he did rape you. He lures you with money only so that he can do it again and you let him, naïve like a child. The cheque might not even be real.’_

“No…Tony wouldn’t do that,” Loki protested but it felt weak. His trust in others and especially in men was almost non-existent. And his trust in Tony was the only argument he could think of right this moment. Based on his life experiences, Hela was certainly being more reasonable and logical than him.

 _‘Tony wanted to fuck you since the beginning, don’t you remember?’_ A dry laugh echoed in the quiet of his skull and Loki pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes. But the memories of Tony flirting with him the first time assaulted him and he could not fight them off. The playful advances seemed more sinister and obvious in hindsight. Could it really be that Tony had only ever wanted to fuck him?

 _‘Rip it to shreds. No one is forcing you to whore yourself out right now, this is your choice and if you even consider accepting this offer, you will be everything they always claimed you were and that can never be undone. Rip it apart.’_ The voice unrelenting, not urgent or hectic. She was as confident in her judgment, as she was in her power. 

“No…” Loki really wanted to keep this. He wanted the freedom and the comfort this money offered him, just like he wanted to believe that Tony genuinely liked him.   
“Let me think. I’ve got to think about this,” Loki begged. Right now, with his head being too tight, he could not string two coherent thoughts together.

 _‘The fact that you even need to consider this makes you pathetic.’_

Loki’s hand moved away from his face and he watched it reach for the cheque. It moved without him wanting it to and as he tried to stop it, his finger trembled but picked the paper up, nonetheless. 

_‘No!’_ Loki called out in shock but his own voice didn’t reach his ears. He was muted, forcefully pushed into the background of his own head. 

“I’m doing what is right.” The cold voice that he had heard so often in his thoughts the past weeks was now outside. They had switched places and Loki was helpless as he watched his own hands ripping the cheque in half. The halves were then turned into small shreds.

Next were the business cards. The Euro bills. Then the letter itself. The cruel sound of ripping paper filled the quiet room and Loki was helpless as he watched Tony’s writing being torn apart and fall into his lap in shreds. The only influence he still seemed to be having on his body, were the bitter tears that gathered in his eyes and dripped down his face.

Hela wiped them away angrily. “Don’t be such a cry-baby. I’m only doing what you were too weak to do. Just like when I slit your wrists. You just don’t have the guts to do what needs to be done, even when the choice is an obvious one.”

Loki’s body got up, white shreds of paper fell from their lap on the floor like snow, as Hela moved to pick up the folder containing Clint’s letters. 

_‘Stop. Not those, this has nothing to do with the cheque or Tony!’_ Loki pleaded frantically but caught in this in-between world his voice was more like a thought.

“But it has everything to do with you being pathetically naïve,” Hela scoffed. “Clint raped you too. You don’t know but I know it happened. He even admitted it when he came to visit you and you just glossed over it. He held you down and fucked you until you bled. You truly think that he wants to go on that stupid road trip? He doesn’t. The only reason anyone would want you alive is for their own desires.”

Hela had opened the folder and was starting to rip the pages out and tearing them apart, making the tiny pieces fall to the floor like snow. 

“That’s why you can trust me,” She said, while her fingers ripped and tore through what had become a source of hope for Loki. “Because I don’t want to keep you alive. I don’t want to use you for my own good. I want to end your life, because I know it’s better for you.”

Loki’s tears didn’t stop even if Hela had to keep wiping them away. But she could not be stopped on her path of destruction.

Hela moved on once Clint’s letters were nothing but flimsy shreds and did the same to Loki’s notebook. Both his own writing, as well as Sigyn’s was mercilessly torn apart. 

“She’s not your friend either. You’re nothing but her little project, she wants to keep you alive because she’s scared of disappearing,” Hela said while ripping out the pages. “She is weak. And you need somebody strong.”

And when the last of the notebook, was turned to shreds, Hela still found new things to rip and tear at. Her hunger for destruction was insatiable.

The white bandages that still covered Loki’s wrists were next. In horrified fascination Loki listened to the ripping sound of gauze until beneath it he saw a long, jagged cut, going from his wrist to the middle of his underarm. It was held together by black, cruel-looking threads and the surrounding skin was tinted in the sickening yellow of a healing bruise.

The sight was enough to make Loki nauseous. And that was before his own fingernails began to rip the thread out of the wound against his will.

Loki didn’t hear his scream, that had managed to make its way from the inside of his head to the outside world. He was pulled down into inky water before the door to his room was opened and Sam walked inside to see the chaos that had taken over the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I always love hearing what you think, it always encourages me :)


	7. Regression

The printer hummed in the quiet room and occasionally it gave an optimistic little ping, before eagerly continuing to spit out paper after paper.

The destruction Hela had brought had not been as final as it had seemed, which made Loki feel stupid for having felt like his very soul was being ripped apart much like paper, while it was happening. 

Now, two days after the disaster Loki had regained some balance amidst the chaos and was able to quite literally pick up the pieces and put them back together again.  
Clint’s letters were of course still on the computer and could be re-printed. A new notebook was already sitting on his lap and the ugly mess of his arm was cared for and covered up in fresh new gauze. 

Strange told him that it had set back the healing process and would probably make for worse scarring but no real danger had come from the dramatic act. But Loki imagined that the wounds ached worse and felt more uncomfortable than they had before.

He and Sam had been sitting together in the nurse’s room, to sort through the small heap of paper shreds, that had been collected in a plastic bag. They had decided to put together the business cards first because due to their size and their different texture they were the easiest to set back together.

“I can write Tony and tell him that I accidentally spilled coffee over the cheque,” Sam offered and Loki lifted his head, surprised. “It’ll be perfectly in line with the cliché that all nurses do all day is gossip and take coffee breaks. So, think about it. It’s worth a shot at least.”

He smiled warmly at Loki, showing off the gap between his front teeth before he looked back down and let his fingers run through the snippets of paper.

And Loki realized with one aching twist of his heart that he liked the guy. Like the chair full of clothes in the corner of the room, obviously didn’t look like a monster in the light of day, Loki was now certain that Sam had never taken advantage of him. And none of the other nurses did either. It even felt stupid to have believed it in the first place.

“I’ll think about it,” Loki said quietly and picked up a few pieces of paper that had the same black color. They were easy to spot in the heap of white paper. He was still hesitant to accept Sam's offer. If accepting the money had been difficult, asking for a second chance was infinitely harder. But spiting Hela wasn’t a bad motivation.

“It’ll be a bit of work, but if you wanted to you could probably piece the entire letter back together,” Sam pointed out, once he was done putting the first business card back together. “You’ve got the time and we will supply the tape. Sometimes it’s good to have things written down in front of you, black on white. Especially important things.”

Loki shrugged his shoulders. Sam was right of course, he already longed to read the words again because they had been so unbelievable at times, so shocking and yet somehow reassuring. But at the same time, it had been extremely uncomfortable and he would rather not have to face Tony’s words again. He had hurt Tony. The fact that he didn’t remember didn’t change that he had done real harm to a person he liked. This had been sexual harassment. And perhaps that was part of the reason Tony had had a relapse so soon. 

The thought of asking Tony to send another cheque after the things he had done made him feel ill.

Loki ripped off a piece of tape and carefully put it down over the business card. It was missing a few pieces but he could read the information on the black card that was written in dull gold ink.

 _Nelson and Murdock. Attorneys at law._ He ran his fingertips over the card to feel the raised dots beneath it. 

He must have been dissociating again, staring blankly at the card for a few moments or even minutes, because Sam’s voice was like a shock to him, making him startle.

“I know this place,” Sam said and when Loki looked at the table he could see some shreds of paper being put together to form a name. They belonged to the flyer that he had barely gotten the chance to look at. Valhal. “A friend of mine works there. And they do a lot of cool stuff. Wait, I’ll open up the website, we won’t have to puzzle this entire thing together.” 

Sam got up to use the computer and Loki followed him, watching him type the facility’s name in the search engine. What they came up with, was a professionally designed website that had a slideshow of pictures on its front page. A large Victorian-era house surrounded by tall pines at the shore of a lake. Two hands shaping wet clay into a vase. A girl lying her arms around an Iceland pony’s neck, resting her face against the fuzzy fur. A group of adults sitting on the grass beneath a huge ash tree smiling into the camera. 

And beneath the pictures, there was a short paragraph. 

_’Valhal is a place for self-discovery, mindfulness, healing, and growth. Our team of experts develops individual treatment plans for trauma patients. We provide long-term solutions, combining living and healing, so that true growth can come from within. Please contact us with any questions you may have._

It was corny. And Loki wanted to hate it for that alone- but a deep, hidden part within Loki that still dared to hold hopes wanted to be there. Wanted to believe that this could be for him.

“They’re a little bit off the beaten track with their concept,” Sam said after having read the paragraph himself. “But they’re competent. Just click your way through I can imagine that you’ll like it.” Sam got up from the chair in front of the computer to let Loki take a seat. 

Loki sat down and went on exploring the page, looking at pictures, reading through their concept as well as the brief introductions of all the employees at the facility. It was a relatively small team, especially considering the extensive list of activities they offered.

There was hiking, rock-climbing, self-defense, archery, yoga, horseback riding, pottery, painting, carving…just reading through the list was overwhelming and Loki closed the page in a sudden rush of panic.

This was not for him. Would he be expected to do all those things if he went there? Would he be made to choose? He wouldn’t be able to do either. He was too weak, too used to constrictions. He couldn’t. Loki pushed himself away from the computer, driven by sudden nausea and got up.

“You don’t need to make a decision now,” Sam reminded him, looking up from his files when he saw how hurriedly Loki had gotten up. Loki nodded his head. 

It wasn’t soothing at all to hear for him. The fact that at one point in the future he would have to choose, was anxiety-inducing enough. And then Sam went on and made everything a lot worse. 

“But while you’re thinking about that, it’s probably time to also consider how you want to handle things with your family,” He said carefully, keeping an eye on Loki’s unmoving expression. “So far your parents still have custody and it’s still about half a year until your eighteenth birthday. As long as they have custody, they get to decide where you are going to be staying.”

Loki’s stomach dropped. There was no way that his parents would let him go to that fancy treatment place. He would go back home, he would have to face them again…

“So, if there’s any reason why your parents should not have custody, we can figure that out together. If you don’t want to return to them, I promise you that you won’t have to.”

And looking within himself, Loki had to admit that he had no idea whether or not he wanted to return.

~

For a few more days Loki had been able to avoid thinking about his parents. He couldn’t stand to choose to open or close any of the doors before him, he just looked at them and stared, longing for what was beneath them without really allowing himself to take any steps closer towards one or the other door.

He could still go back to his parents. Part of him wanted to believe that Laufey had come to Helsinki so quickly because he was grateful that he was given a chance to make up for what he had done to his son. It was easy to get lost in daydreams about his reunion with his family. Maybe Laufey would cry, perhaps he would lie his arms around Loki and apologize. Loki would finally have a spot in this family because his sacrifice had been what saved them. Maybe his parents were sober now, after how much time had passed. 

_‘I love you Loki. I didn’t have a choice back then. But I’ll never hurt you again, I promise. You can finally come home.’_

Of course, Laufey wouldn't say that. But maybe something along those lines. Anything would be enough for Loki.

But then again he knew just how stupid he was to think that way. He remembered Rumlow taunting him for being loyal to his father, like a love-sick puppy. In his thoughts, he could imagine Rumlow’s cruel words if he knew that Loki even as much as considered to return to his family, after everything. 

_‘You would let your father kill you and thank him for it.’_

And maybe his father would kill him. Loki’s knowledge of his crimes could cost him everything. Thinking about it, he held control over his father for the first time since he could remember. But he wasn’t yet certain about whether or not he wanted to make use of it. Rumlow had been right about him. Even after months of captivity, he could not hate his father completely.

~

The meeting was doomed to fail. Loki knew. He had known when he has asked Milla for it, he knew when he called Laufey, he knew when he first looked at his father.

But knowing was not enough for him apparently. He could not go on with that spark of affection still tying him to his family, as long as there was still any room for hope, he would never be able to make a decision for himself.

Loki had been waiting in the art therapy room, nervous and tense. His leg bounced and he had begun to chew the skin off the side of his thumb with how anxious he was. Even before Laufey had even entered the ward, Loki was distant, torn between expecting the worst and hoping for the best- that’s why he was completely taken aback when it was something in between. 

In his memories and his dreams, Laufey had always been much bigger than himself, strong and powerful, radiating a sense of authority so strong it felt like something physical. Loki had admired, feared and loved him for it.

But looking at his father now he felt none of those things. In fact, he was underwhelmed in a way that he hadn't been expecting at all. Maybe it was because Loki had grown taller and could look Laufey in the eyes now without having to fearfully look up at him. 

Or it was because they weren’t home in Laufey’s territory, where he held all the power. 

Here he wasn’t in control and he had probably been made to feel it by simply being sent away a few weeks ago and now by the procedure that he was put through to even be allowed to enter the ward. Clint had told him how he had to take off his shoes, his socks, empty all his pockets and was patted down for eventual dangerous objects. Even the flowers he brought had to be inspected first before he was allowed to bring them inside. 

Having someone put his father through a procedure like that was difficult to imagine. Laufey was too strong, too proud to let someone do this to him- but evidently he wasn’t. 

His unquestionable authority was broken and he knew that he couldn't regain it by simply beating Loki senseless. Someone bigger and stronger than himself would come and stop him the moment Loki started screaming. Loki was protected here and none of the nurses would turn a blind eye because they knew Laufey for years, or sympathized with him. Not like it had been back home, where Laufey had friends and favours to rely on.

And the final reason that Laufey appeared in a different light to Loki now, was that Loki had been with other monsters for the past year. Next to Rumlow or Sarkissian or En Dwi, Laufey was just…a regular guy. A pitiful figure, beating up his own kids out of frustration. And as bad as that was, he simply didn’t hold the same kind of terrifying power as they did. 

Laufey was pale and skinny, he looked sickly. When he first looked at his father, Loki was shocked, wondering how it was possible for his health to have declined that rapidly within the last five months. But as he kept looking at him longer, the realization dawned on Loki that Laufey had looked like this for years. The drugs and the alcohol had gnawed away at him for a long time and while it may have gotten worse while Loki was away, he had to admit that the memory that he had kept alive of Laufey was from the perspective of a child who looked at his father with his judgment clouded by fear and adoration.

The fact that Laufey didn’t even know what to say, now that they finally stood in front of each other, only brought him down lower in Loki’s eyes. 

“How was the drive?” Loki asked once the silence between them became too unbearable. 

“Shut up.” Loki’s mouth closed with a click at Laufey’s sharp tone. Even now he couldn’t help but obey and it was a shameful reminder of their past. They watched each other quietly, neither of them sitting down. 

“Why are you here?” Laufey went on to ask.

Loki looked down at his bandaged wrist and turned it. “I don’t know. I would assume that it would be quite apparent.” _‘But observance was never your strong suit.’_

He didn’t dare add that least bit. Laufey was tense and nervous and every instinct Loki had, told him not to set him off the wrong way.

“Are you going to try again when you get out?” Laufey asked. The only thing that Loki seemed to have remembered correctly was the ice in his voice.

Loki shrugged his shoulders as an answer. “Only time will tell I guess.”

“You should do a better job of it then. You’ll cripple yourself if you keep messing up,” Loki could sense that Laufey wanted to sound cruel and sharp but the pain his words left was of a dull kind. Something within Loki whithering away. He had not cared about his well-being then, not for a moment. 

“Thanks for the advice, dad.” Loki scoffed and lowered his gaze, only to flinch when Laufey took a threatening step towards him.

“Don’t get fucking sassy with me, you little bitch,” Laufey hissed and slammed his fist down on the table between them. “You should be glad that I’m here at all. Without me, you’d be left to rot here, or put in a crappy orphanage, where you can beg for scraps.”

“Like at home?” Loki’s survival instincts _screamed_ at him to shut up but Loki couldn’t. He was too hurt and not nearly scared enough to keep himself in check. “We're not in a Dickens novel.”

Laufey was about to say something that was most likely going to be an insult when one of the large male nurses opened the door and looked at the two of them. Not even half a minute had passed since Laufey had hit the table.

“Everything okay in here? We heard a sound," He asked, clearly directing the question at Loki.

“It’s all good,” Loki said and briefly glanced over at Laufey. This was a reminder of Loki’s control in the situation and they both knew it. “I just bumped against the table with the chair. Sorry to have bothered you.”

“All good, Loki. It’s our job.” He left after having briefly smiled at Loki, leaving the door slightly open. 

And beneath his controlled expression, Loki could feel that his father was fuming. The fact that Loki had protected him, must be driving him crazy with frustration. He had always had a very fragile ego and it didn't fit into his world-view to have to be protected by his son.

“How’s mum? How are Byleistr and Helblindi?” Loki continued the conversation, ignoring Laufey's glare. It wasn’t all that difficult to sound casual. He felt oddly detached from the situation, his skin numb and his heart like a field of ice. 

Laufey was just about to answer but didn’t, instead, he shook his head. He seemed to know that it wasn’t going to do him any favours to talk about them. Who knew if his brothers were even still living at home. They must be adults now and probably moved out the first chance they got to. 

“You’ll see when you’re back home.”

“I don’t think I’ll be coming home again.” It was the first time Loki had ever said that out loud and he surprised himself with how true it sounded. All this time he had been so unsure and now it felt like a fact that had been obvious since the very beginning. He was not going back. He never would have.

“What do you mean?” Laufey didn’t seem prepared for the conversation to take that turn. “Where else will you go? You really have lost your fucking mind. I’m your father. You don’t have any choice in that matter until you’re eighteen and until then you’re mine." Laufey was speaking too quickly, giving away how anxious he was. 

"How would you even get the money? You didn’t even finish school. Are you going to suck cock for a living?” His expression was full of disdain but Loki could stand it.

“I might get some money if the court rules you guilty for selling your own son into slavery. I bet that’s like twenty years in jail," Loki said calmly.

Laufey’s pale face turned the colour of paper and then became red with anger. “No one would believe a single word you say. You’re not just here because you slit your wrists open and we both know it,” He spat out and that was a slap to the face. It was the first time today that Laufey had really gotten to him today.

"You've always been sick. And I was always ashamed of you. Everyone knew that you were a fucking retard. And now you're in a nuthouse, proving all those rumours right," Laufey spat out the words and his lip twitched when Loki took a step backwards. He couldn't quite breathe anymore, his throat was too tight and Laufey's voice reverberated in his head. “You’ll go in front of the court as a retard and a lunatic, talking crazy shit? Stop kidding yourself. You have no evidence. There’s no one backing you up in this. I’ve got the alibi and the people to support me.”

For a moment Loki was incapable of saying anything but then the words came on their own and Loki couldn't stop them.

“I wonder if Rumlow really would care about protecting you," Loki's voice was still surprisingly calm even though within he was trembling. "I got to know him a little better than you did, and I can’t shake the feeling that he doesn’t give a shit about you. I'm sure he could give a pretty detailed testimony."

“Stupid fucking cunt," Laufey's voice was breathless with anger and he reached out to grab Loki's face. Loki's body froze instantly, all the confidence he had gained disappeared the moment that he could feel cold fingers on his skin. The physical contact broke the imaginary barrier between them, that made Loki feel protected. "You think the guy who raped you will defend you? You’re delusional. You’d be lucky if I even let you return home and didn’t put you in some orphanage to spend the rest of your life working the only way you know how to.”

Suddenly Loki was back to square one, with tears filling his eyes. It was too familiar now, he had lost his advantage and he felt like nothing more than a kid all over again.

“Your mother would cover me, just like your brothers and you know it. Our neighbours would swear to have seen you run off if I told them to say that. And you'd be made to pay for the whole trial if they figured out that your lying whore mouth wasted their time.” Loki had no idea if Laufey was right about any of the things he said or if he was just making stuff up. But he had no choice but to believe him. He had no way of correcting his father.

“I’ll be waiting for you to call, begging to come back home in no time. But I don't think I'd even let you after today," Laufey said, shaking his head. The disgust was so obvious in his expression now that Loki felt the need to hide away. 

Laufey let go of Loki and turned away from him, leaving the room without another word. Loki just stood motionlessly where he was left, with a dull ache throbbing in his chest spreading throughout his entire body. 

He wasn’t alone for even a minute, a nurse joined him in the room to ask him how he was doing but Loki found that he couldn't even speak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the delay! I had a writer's block and didn't manage to end this chapter in time.  
> I hope the wait hasn't been too long and that you enjoyed reading! Your positive comments have definitely kept me motivated, as they always do :)  
> The next chapter will be posted in the next few days.
> 
> EDIT: I’ve encountered a massive writers block for this story, I’m not quite sure when I’ll continue the story, but I hope it won’t be too long, so I can give this story a proper ending.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for the wait and thanks for reading as always! I can't wait to hear what you think of this new chapter! Any feedback or kudos is very much appreciated :)  
> I'll try to upload daily like before but I'm not making promises yet.


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